


Prosecute and Defend

by infaredlove



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Humor, College, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Sex, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Human Gems (Steven Universe), Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Law School, Lesbians, Light Dom/sub, Lots of love and Fluff, Love, Masturbation, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Trauma, Multi, This fic is really great, a good mix of both tbh, just trust me guys, lots of angst and pain, the zircons diamonds and pearls have made up names but I promise it isn't as bad as it sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 05:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12833841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infaredlove/pseuds/infaredlove
Summary: ‘I made the right choice.’ She thought to herself, turning on her heel to walk from the building she was once so comfortable in. It no longer harbored the familiar feeling of what she thought was love. ‘She just a fling. A relationship of circumstance, of course. Nothing special, nothing important.’ Her mind continued to reassure the ache in her heart. Of course, she had made the right choice, there was no doubt in her mind. That prosecutor was trouble from the start.





	1. The Speech

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my very first work here on AO3, and I'm excited to share it with you all. I've decided to rename the zircons, diamonds, and pearls in this story. Here is the list of names for each character! 
> 
> Blue Zircon: Nila  
> Yellow Zircon: Melina  
> Pink Zircon: Varda
> 
> Blue Diamond: Linnea  
> Yellow Diamond: Xanthe  
> Pink Diamond: Scarlett
> 
> Blue Pearl: Dolli  
> Yellow Pearl: Marigold
> 
> I did my research on each name to make sure they all represented the color of each human gem. I hope you enjoy! Be sure to read the preface I am uploading later to understand some of the flashbacks in the story!

The fall air was crisp and cold, a refreshing change to the abnormal heat wave that had struck at the end of September. The sun was lowering itself, quite lazily, from the cloudless golden sky. It cast a glow across the familiar, but distant campus, illuminating the library in a soft aura of light. Trees, now red, orange, and marigold yellow, rustled softly as a breeze blew across the otherwise quaint campus. It all seemed so familiar, so real, as though graduation had been last semester, rather than 10 years ago. Nothing on the old campus had changed. The tables in the library remained the same, heavy wood, smooth grained, seemingly timeless. Books remained shut and on their shelves, years of writing, trapped and waiting patiently for another to open them for a term paper or, on occasion, their own personal enjoyment. A small projector screen sat alone in the back corner of the library, shrouded by bookshelves, a personal haven for a certain pair of lawyers. She could not bear to look at it.

 _‘I made the right choice.’_ She thought to herself, turning on her heel to walk from the building she was once so comfortable in. It no longer harbored the familiar feeling of what she thought was love. ‘ _She just a fling. A relationship of circumstance, of course. Nothing special, nothing important._ ’ Her mind continued to reassure the ache in her heart. Of course, she had made the right choice, there was no doubt in her mind. That prosecutor was trouble from the start. How could she trust anyone who had majored in sweet-talking her way to get what she wanted? She was almost sure that she would have broken her heart. Finally, she made her way from the library and back into the bright sun. In that particular moment in time, her memory was sparked and sent her reeling back to a moment that she had suppressed for so long.

 _The golden rays of the sun cast shadows of buildings across the landscape of campus, illuminating the world, it seemed, in a blanket of warmth in the hearts of any touched by it. The work had been completed, papers were written, exams were taken, bar exams passed. The senior class of Harvard law was finally able to relax, the evening after they had taken their final steps across the stage to receive their diplomas. The last time they would ever be in the same place again. The prosecutor and the defense lawyer stood silently on the stairs of the Langdell, a comforting throb in their hearts as they came to the realization that this was their last evening together. They had spent the last 7 years together, starting as enemies in the pre-law program,_ to _lovers in their final days of law school. Shared dorm rooms, apartments, and beds were frequent. Plenty of experiences bound their hearts together. But now, that was all over. There was a deep breath from the prosecutor, almost musical in tone, as though she were preparing to say something that excited her in a way she could never explain. A calculated risk, she was sure it would work out in her favor. They had talked about it before, and she was positive this could work out._

_“Marry me.”_

_“No.”_

The defense lawyer shook her head, as to shake away the past like a dog would shake off the water from a bath. She did not want to remember that moment in time, she did not want to think of what she had done. _‘It was for the best._ ’ She repeated, over and over and over, as she had so many times before as she laid in bed beside her fiance. Her thoughts lingered, though, as they always did, especially during sex. She found herself less and less aroused by her current lover. Her climaxes came only when she would whisper her name, her hand stroking her hot sex in the dead of night on linoleum tile. Certainly, the woman could hear the soft whimpers and moans of herself as she pushed her fingers in and out of her body. She was probably angry. The defense did not care.

Her fiance, of course, was better than the prosecutor anyway. Varda was a powerful woman, a nationally recognized prosecutor that had presented cases in front of the supreme court and won. Her family, which consisted of a CEO named Scarlett (affectionately nicknamed “pink” because of her choice of clothing and name), was part of the Diamond Authority Cooperation. Her partners, Xanthe and Linnea, were equally as powerful and quite fond of Scarlett’s quick-witted niece. That was, after all, how she received her position as the DAC head lawyer. A six-figure salary, a nice car, and a penthouse in New York, where she could easily conduct her affairs. She was proud that Varda would refer to her as her “trophy girlfriend”. Even though the defense lawyer was often overshadowed by her fiance, she could not be prouder of the woman she came home to most evenings (that was, when Varda was not at a “company party” or working late in the office). There was a certain sense of pride that came with being engaged to such an important public figure, to be seen courted on the arm of a charming, intelligent, and cruel woman who could take the life out from under anyone who fell on the wrong side of her case. Of course, Varda was never cruel to her. Varda would never, ever hurt her.

The sun was now setting on the buildings in front of her. It was almost time to make her presentation to a group of fresh law students. Her success in the recent years called for Harvard to formally invite her back to the area she knew so well, in an all expenses paid five-star hotel room that had become her life due to her relationship with Varda. She had been wined and dined thoroughly, as a “celebratory gift” (however, she had her suspicions that the school was, of course, looking for handouts). But now, the similar feeling of being a student returned once more. She had never been good at public speaking. The courtroom was different, there was solid evidence there, and she always had an escape route. On stage, though, in front of a group of young adults? How could she escape that?

“Oh, darling! We’ve been looking all over for you!” A familiar voice called out to the woman on the stairs. Varda was wearing a skin-tight, long-sleeved dress, in a shade of deep rose. Her heels clicked on the marble as she ascended, graceful as ever, to the side of her lover. “Its nearly time for your speech, everyone is just buzzing with excitement. Are you ready?”

_‘No, I am going to vomit and choke on it right here on these stairs and then crumple up and die.’_

  
_“_ Of course I am!” She answered, her voice much louder than she ever intended it to be. It startled the group of professors and dean behind Varda, but her fiance, as always, was oblivious to the struggle of her partner.

“That’s wonderful, darling! Let’s hurry, then.” Tender hands seemed to force her down the stairs and towards the conference hall. She could feel her own feet dragging, she did not want to do this at all. Why had she accepted this in the first place? Her mind reeled back to the time when she had to accept or decline the invitation. Varda had the letter open in her hand. She was dressed in a sultry nightgown, with a bottle of champagne open. There had been a lot of drinking. There had been a lot of sex.

_“Oh, darling,” Varda whispered in her ear. “My world-renowned, genius, darling fiance. Why don't you speak? Imagine the fame. Imagine the glory. Speak for me, darling.” Those lips grazed over her earlobe, kissing her jaw, her neck, her chest. “Speak for me.” The lips trailed down her stomach, across her navel and to her pulsing sex. “Speak for me.”_

_Damn, did she speak._

Inwardly, she groaned. Damn herself for being so submissive when it came to anything that Varda wanted. She always gave it to her, whether she was in the mood or not. A moment later, she was shoved backstage. “Remember, darling. Speak for me.” Varda had whispered in her ear, her tongue licking the earlobe softly. Then, she was gone. She tried desperately to calm herself down and resorted finally to popping a Xanax and downing it with a flute (or 4) of champagne she was handed by a man catering to the hoity-toity scholars that were in the mix with her. As she sat in a hard-backed chair and listened, her anxiety causing her hands to turn numb and shake, she thought back to the hours before her last oral exam.

“You’re in control. You decide your future, and you decide what you receive. No one controls you. Now tell me what you want.” The prosecutor was only inches away from her pooling heat, her tongue lapping softly at the skin around her vulva.

“I want to pass my oral exam.” The defense lawyer had whimpered, shrouded in silence to keep those from knowing what was going on in the safe haven by the projector screen.

“Good girl.” A tongue dove into her body.

That heat was returning again, causing her legs to tremble as she pushed them together. ‘Fantastic. I'm having an anxiety attack, I'm buzzed, and I'm horny over something that happened 10 years ago. Fantastic. Brilliant.’

“And it is our greatest pleasure to introduce our esteemed speaker of the evening, Nila Zircon.”

Her head shot up as her name was called, and she walked onto the stage, feeling like a lanky giant amongst the stumpy professors she once called her teachers. She shook hands with them, a fake smile plastered across her face. She hopefully looked confident, though she really, really did not feel that way. The applause, which she had only just noticed, died down as she situated herself at the wooden podium. The speech, which she had written and re-written well in advance, was laid out before her. Adjusting the microphone and glancing out across the packed room, she noticed the blaring lights that were making her skin hot and the burgundy walls that made the room seem darker than it should have been.

“My dearest professors, future lawyers, esteemed colleagues and proud parents, I am thoroughly honored and so thankful for this opportunity to speak to you all tonight. I hope that my words reach each and every one of you, and give you something to think about as you begin your journey here at Harvard law. When I began school here, I was a nervous wreck. My worst fear, was in fact, public speaking. So you could imagine my enthusiasm when the University contacted me to do just that.”

A brief eruption of laughter took over the auditorium. Her confidence grew from then on.

“College is a time of hard work. One must study daily, finish papers early, and conduct research and data collection in a timely manner, all while trying to maintain internships, sports, jobs, and other strenuous activities. I will not pretend that this is an easy task. I will, however, say that it is possible. If I could do it, you could as well.” She continued on, for quite some time, before switching gears.

“However, this is also a time of new experiences. You can meet plenty of new people here. You can gain lifelong friends. You could even fall in love.” She said, with an increasing passion in her voice. “And those experiences shape you more than any international law class ever could. International law does not make you a good person. Experiences do. Love makes you a good person. If you find that, I want you to hold on to that as tight as you can. Hold on and don't let go. Because if you do, you’ll regret it. And none of you deserve that.” She said, looking out at the crowd again. Varda’s shocked expression caused her to realize exactly what she said before the crowd began to applaud. Her fiance stood and left.

‘Aw, pebbles.’ she thought as she left the stage quickly.

 


	2. Moonlight

It was dingy, where Varda had chosen to run off to after her passionate speech. The walls were brick, the dust had gathered in the corners, and the lights continued to flicker overhead. Why did she always find the most dramatic places to have her breakdowns? It was not as though they happened often, but when they did, it was always somewhere crazy, like a back hallway of Harvard or a sketchy old subway station. Quiet sobs filled the air as she approached Varda, who was curled up on a bench beside an old storage closet. 

 

“Varda, please calm down… I didn't mean to upset you. Please…” Nila stood before her, extending her hand to hold the shoulder of her distressed lover. 

 

“Oh Nila, how can I live with myself knowing you regret it all? How could I ever be sure that our love is true if you want to still be with- with  _ her _ !” She sobbed, pushing herself into the arms of the defense lawyer. “How could you say that only a month before our wedding?”

 

“Now, Varda. That's simply not true. I only regret not holding onto my friendships in college. I wasn't talking about her… now please, darling. You know I want to marry you. If I had regrets, I wouldn’t have said yes when you proposed.” She wiped the tears from Varda’s face with a tissue. “But I did say yes, and I love you so very much. Just listen to yourself, saying I regret you… that just sounds preposterous, don't you agree?” 

 

Varda had stopped crying and nodded softly. “I suppose… oh, I'm sorry. I ruined your special night..”

 

“No, you didn't. You come before any speech.” Nila stood, helping her up. “Now, I bet we can make it back for the cocktail hour. We can forget this ever happened.” She smiled, stroking her cheek tenderly. “Shall we?”

 

“That sounds wonderful… let's go.” Varda smiled, walking beside her. Her clutch was like a hawk holding onto prey, digging her metaphorical talons deep into Nila and staying there. She was not letting her go. Nila belonged to Varda, and she knew it. This was not the first time she had used emotions to control her fiance. But she knew that Varda would never hurt her. As they entered the room, people turned to greet them. Unfamiliar faces with plastic grins shook her hands and downed their drinks, momentarily interested in what the defense lawyer had to say, before becoming uninterested once more as soon as she walked away. Future students asked questions about courses and professors, chewing on nails, or downing drinks to calm their nerves.  _ ‘They probably came so they could get extra credit. Hell, maybe this is even required. Poor souls.’  _ She thought quietly, as she felt Varda slip from her arm to chat with someone she knew. Even here, Varda was more popular than Nila could ever be. She had everything that Nila did not come close to having- confidence, elegance, and charisma. While Varda excelled in social settings, chatting with others and making them feel tiny in the presence of her grace, Nila leaned on walls and sat in chairs. She would sip her drinks, losing track until she found herself blackout drunk and staggering home. Thankfully, Varda would never let her become that drunk anymore. But Varda was not paying attention to her right now. In fact, no one was paying attention to her at all. Nila took another champagne flute and strolled out the side door, taking a seat under the pale moonlight on a bench. Her mind wandered, as it did so often when she was alone. The pathway seemed to glitter with light, the night time dew staining the grass with diamonds. Somewhere, far away, two lawyers laid still in a bed, their words ever eternal on a hotel pillow. 

 

_ “Do you think that we could be together forever?” Her words were cutting through the silence of the room. They were in a hotel room, far away from home. All of the lights were turned off, but the room was glowing in a soft cascade of white moonlight that illuminated their faces as they looked silently at each other. Two sets of glasses were laid carefully on the bedside table. The round, silver spectacles were propped up by the square, golden ones belonging to the prosecutor. A soft hum had remained steadfast in the room, brought on by the air conditioner. The soft movement came from the sheer white curtains, blown inwards by a cool night breeze that made Nila shiver. Blankets were moved up around her shoulders, as a tender kiss was pressed against her forehead. Was the prosecutor expecting an answer? Shrouded in the pale moonlight, she believed anything they said to each other would be forgotten by morning. There were no certainties in life, even in each other. Even in this belief, though, Nila was sure that her words could only reassure the prosecutor that she was loved as deeply and as surely as possible.  _

 

_ “Of course I do.” Nila scoffed. “Why wouldn't we be together forever? I love you.” Her body shifted as the prosecutor let out a soft chuckle, adjusting her legs to be intertwined with her lovers’.  _

 

_ “Would you ever marry me?” The prosecutor said quietly, then looked away. “That is, in the future. Not now. But… I wouldn't mind if we were engaged. I love you, after all.”  _

 

_ “I think that's a great idea.” Nila murmured, gently tilting the prosecutor's chin to look into her eyes. “I would love to marry you.”  Her words were the last spoken in the room, their soft tones lulling the prosecutor to sleep. The only thing that stayed awake was the moonlight on the sheets.  _

  
  


In another time, and another place, the lawyer sat alone, under the pale shroud of night, and did not care to realize that she was crying. The sound of the cicadas drowned her out, and her voice was lost in the wind, floating away like a promise made to a lover that no longer remained.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you all think of Nila? Is she a misunderstood lover? How about Varda? I'm excited to know what you think about the way I portray these characters!


	3. Master

It had been nearly a week since Nila had returned home to New York, with Varda at her side. Her work schedule, though, was much busier than usual. She had a large project due tomorrow, to present in Washington DC the following month, and it was making her brain throb. Well, it was not her presentation quite yet. She was the last to go, and it made her feel even worse. Her anxiety did not make this easy. It was bad enough to have the constant feeling of being on edge, but with this added on top, and the incident with Varda still weighing on her mind, things were getting out of hand. Her stomach could no longer handle her usual coffee, and so she had to drink it sparingly. Any form of organization had gone out the window, especially in her office. Papers were strewn amuck throughout her private office. It was usually a well-organized, zen area. But now, it looked as though she had taken her arm and flung everything off of her desk. Small bamboo plants now held pens in their vases, sharing the space with the office supplies Nila could not fit into her drawers. Stacks of paper taller than herself were piled high in boxes, while any loose files were shoved onto bookshelves, chairs, and any other space that was not holding a heavy and easily flingable item. In the middle of it all sat the distressed defense lawyer, who wracked her brain over and over again to be sure her files were all correct. The clock on the wall struck midnight, and caused her to panic, as the noise had frightened her out of her trance-like state.

 

“My darling?” Varda knocked softly. “Are you coming to bed, my love?” 

 

“I don't have time to sleep, Varda. I need to work.” Nila snipped back, wincing at how harsh her voice sounded. After all, she had been the one neglecting her lover for the past week. It probably felt as though she was still hung up on the “regrets” she had from college- which she certainly was not. Or at least, that was what she had been telling herself. After listening for any sounds of a rebuttal, she rose to her feet, striding over to the door and opening it fully. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm just so busy right now, Varda. This is important work. I have to come up with a new clause for the company books, even though it goes against what Xanthe wants. It's a calculated risk, but it's still a risk. I don't know if she'll even like it, you know? Unless I can get Linnea to back me on this, I won't even stand a chance. Xanthe judges harder than anyone I know, and I know people on the supreme court. You know people on there too, and even you can agree. So please, I really need this time to work.” She said sternly, though softened when she saw the hurt expression on Varda’s face. Damn her, she knew how important this was, and she was going to pull the hurt card anyways. “This presentation is really stressing me out, I can't focus, I feel awful and…” Her hands were being wrung together violently. 

 

“Let me help you, Nila. I can make you feel better…” Gentle fingertips began to unbutton the dingy blouse covering her less than average bosom. They slipped it from her shoulders and began to unhook her bra, feeling like little fairies tinkering with the threads of a gown. “I can make you feel euphoric.” She whispered, eyelashes fluttering gently against perfectly smooth skin. Nila knew this was to control her. But she did not care, not now. 

 

“Please… please, take me. I need it so bad. Make me feel good…” The defense whispered, already preparing to kneel before her master. Her god, her lover, her tormenter and her controller, Varda. “I've been ever so good, ma’am…” 

 

Varda smirked. “I doubt that.” She grabbed onto her hands and pulled her to the bedroom, her feet pattering softly as she touched the hardwood. The heavy canopy bed, adorned with a luxurious comforter and a multitude of plush pillows, already had a harness laid out upon it. 

 

_ ‘So she planned this. She’s using me, and I'm letting her. But then again, she hasn't touched me in weeks.’ _

Gentle hands began to undress Nila completely, allowing her body to guide the clothes away while she sat on the bed. Her sex, which was already leaking into her panties, began to pulse. The harness was strapped to her chest, constraining her arms behind her back. 

 

“Is it too tight?” Her master asked sweetly, pressing her pouty, bubble-gum lips to Nila's nose. The voice dripped with honey, but the undertones were sinister. The tighter the hold, the longer the stay. 

 

“No ma’am.” The bound lawyer whispered, trying to grind her sex discreetly into the bed. Her face was flushed with embarrassment, and the glow of a person who had not had a good orgasm in at least two months, if not more. Her body ached, and her throat deceived her, as she whimpered loudly. 

 

“Someone is needy. Come, darling, come lay in Master’s lap.” Varda sat on her throne of pillows, beckoning her plaything forwards. And forwards she came, on her knees, crawling right into the lap of the woman she worshipped. Slender fingers began to caress her lower body, sliding from her bottom to the front after a painstakingly long time. “Almost there, darling. You must ask and say clearly what you want, but you cannot touch yourself. That’s why you have the harness since you’re so naughty and bad at rules.” Varda spoke in an even, authoritarian tone. 

 

“Master, I want to be touched.” She whispered, spreading her twig-like legs apart so her sex was attainable. 

 

“Very well.” Wiry fingers began to push their way into her entrance, feeling the slickness that already existed there. A smirk crossed her face, as she slipped in another finger, drawing a sultry moan from the mouth of the defenseless woman in her lap. “Speak for me, darling. I want to hear my pet moan and call my name.” The fingers inside of her pulsed quickly, in and out of her body, in a rhythm that struck against the heat pooling in her stomach. 

 

“Varda! Master!” Nila called, her voice cracking as she tilted her head back. It felt so good, to be touched and felt again. Her body was quaking with pleasure, as the fingers inside of her plucked at her bud like a violinist plucked their strings. The moans turned into cries of pleasure, in a completely euphoric moment, as stars were being seen in her tired eyes. “Yes, yes,  _ yes! _ ” But suddenly, the fingers were removed. The pet looked towards her master with shock, mouth wide open and pussy quivering to be touched again. “Why?” She croaked softly, her face matching one of a baby that had just lost its pacifier. 

 

“You cannot come until you promise me something.” Varda leaned closer to her face, her hand still resting on the pulsing sex of her lover. 

 

Nila only whimpered in response, desperately grinding against her hand. “Anything…” 

 

“You must promise that you will remain with me forever. Promise or you can't come.” She declared. 

 

“I promise.” Nila whimpered, her body betraying her brain. It was too much, with all of the feelings in her body, in her mind, and her heart. She could not handle it all at once, and she agreed before she even had time to think. “I promise, I promise, I promise.” Her words turned into babbling, as she sobbed with another pulse of pain and pleasure. She needed this so bad, she needed to come. 

 

“Good girl.” Varda curled her fingers up, pushing them into her bulb and causing Nila to scream in pleasure. The pet in her lap ground her hips in a jerking, sporadic manner, allowing the tears of relief to stream down her cheeks, as she finally settled against her master’s lap. “What a good girl. What a pretty song you sang for me.” She cooed, removing her hand with a wet  _ ‘pop _ ’. The sound provoked a whimper from her pet, who was coming to her senses. 

 

“Hush, hush. You’ll be alright.” Her honey-sweet voice was back, as the blanket was pulled up and over her shoulders. Nila’s head came to rest gently upon Varda’s breasts, so she could hear her heartbeat softly under her ear. Drowsiness was beginning to set in as well, as the master stroked the hair of her pet. 

 

“Varda? Promise you’ll never hurt me?” Nila whispered, her voice hoarse from her previous yelling. 

 

“Of course, Nila. I would never dream of hurting you. A master never hurts her pet.” She replied (in the same voice that she used to speak to her clients). “Now go to sleep. Don’t over think things tonight. Just give yourself over to rest.” 

 

_ ‘She used me, again. She manipulated me. Stupid, stupid idiot. Why do I always give her what she wants? But it was nice to have her touch me… and she hasn't held me in so long. Maybe it isn't so bad.’  _ Nila thought quietly. She shut her eyes, trying to think of nothing. 

  
  


Instead, as she slipped into her dreams, her mind thought for a moment she was in the arms of the prosecutor. She slept better that night than she had in two weeks.

  
  


_ The rain had been coming down for nearly a week straight, complementing the mood of the two lawyers who had both been frazzled over their mock-trial cases. Each was assigned a separate case, and while her lover had finished in a timely manner, Nila was still struggling with the closing argument.  _

 

_ ‘Nila…?’ The voice called softly, pulling the defense lawyer out of her trance.  _

 

_ “What do you want? I'm busy, I don't have time to talk.” Nila snapped, not looking up from her papers. She did not want to hurt her feelings, but she truly did not have the time for this. It was all too much, she was so stressed, and her head continued to pound.  _

 

_ “I brought you a blanket.” The familiar smell of her girlfriend was now draped around her, causing her to pause her work and turn to the face before her. “It gets cold in here at night. The last thing you need is to get sick.” She said quietly, running her hand through her curly, cropped blonde hair. “I'll see you when you come back to the dorm..”  _

 

_ “Actually,” Nila shut her book. “I was just finishing up. How about we walk back together? It's dangerous at night.” She offered a smile, slinging her backpack on. Her lover smiled gratefully, linking arms and making the long walk back to their dorms. The blanket helped shield them from the rain, leaving their pajamas dry for when they crawled into bed together. But still, Nila could not sleep. It was only when her lover wrapped her arms tightly around her, allowing her to listen to her heartbeat, like a lullaby for a baby, when she could fall asleep.  _

 


	4. Stomachache

_ Warm sunlight flooded the room, through a set of dirty old blinds that had been left open the night before. A quiet humming, perhaps brought on by a fan, was the only other sound besides steady breathing. A pair of arms wrapped around each other's bodies, cradling each other for comfort and touch. Hazel eyes fluttered open, eyelids flapping with the same grace of a butterfly’s wing. They looked into the pale gray eyes of her lover, who had been gazing lovingly at her partner. “Nila…” The prosecutor whispered as if to assure herself that the defense was still there.  _

 

_ “Yes, love?” _

 

_ “You’re so beautiful… and warm.” She added playfully, curling up in her arms with a soft giggle. “I bet we could sleep a little longer… I like when I wake up in your arms.” _

 

_ “My thoughts exactly,” Nila replied, shutting her eyes once more. “I love you.” _

 

Nila’s eyes shot open, gasping ever so slightly. The bed was empty, and cold, with sheets, tucked up around her. That meant Varda had left for work, which was her own workplace as well. What time was it, anyway? Turning over and glancing at the clock, she groaned out loud. It was almost one in the afternoon, she had been asleep for nearly twelve hours. She had a project to finish, or else her boss would have her head. 

 

_ ‘Well, she wouldn't, but Xanthe sure would.’  _ Nila thought to herself, as she made the bed. A white shirt and a pair of high waisted pants were slipped onto her body, buttoned as high as possible. Varda always called her prude, but she just enjoyed the style. It made her feel professional, and that in turn made her more confident. She could definitely use that in her life, especially with this huge project coming up. 

 

“I have to present it today!” she shrieked aloud. “Brilliant! Bravo! I am so dead!” Glasses were slipped on as she ran out of the bedroom and to her office. “Papers, papers…” Her hands trembled as she found the decent copy of her report, placing it in a plastic folder for safekeeping. It was thrown into her briefcase, along with her laptop. She hoped it held enough charge to at least make the presentation to Xanthe and Linnea diamond, lest she wanted to lose her job, her respect, and her ever-dwindling will to live. Glancing at the clock again, she sighed in a mild relief. She had forty minutes to get to work, which was thankfully, only a half an hour away. Her stomach growled loudly, but there was no time for that. The closest sustenance she had was a leftover cup of cold coffee in her office. 

 

_ ‘There is no way I am drinking that coffee. That thing is at least two days old, if not more. Do not drink that coffee.’  _ She thought, heading out the door, coffee in hand.  _ ‘I'll just throw this away.’ _

 

About twenty minutes and one cup of old coffee later, Nila was shifting about on the subway, her stomach doing backflips. She was only ten minutes away, which left her with ten minutes to prepare. That meant she could try to wash down the coffee with water (or another coffee), take some tums and get through her presentation. It was only a half an hour long, that was nothing. She could definitely do that, no problem. Her stomach, though, had other plans. As the subway lurched to a stop, she felt so nauseous she could crumple over and die. 

 

_ ‘Come on, Nila. You can do this. You’re a semi-confident boss ass bitch.’ _

 

Her footsteps were heavy as she entered the building, going directly into the elevator. She used her swipe and went to the top floor of the Diamond Authority Cooperation building. As the elevator ascended, her stomach had enough. Feeling the bile rise in her throat caused her to panic. If she could just hold it down for a moment longer, she would be alright. Thankfully, time was on her side, for once. The doors opened and she made a rush for the bathroom, dropping her briefcase on the floor and hunching over a toilet bowl. As her stomach emptied itself, courtesy of old coffee, Nila had some time to reflect on her decisions. 

 

_ ‘I am such an idiot. I am the biggest fool on this planet. Why would I drink that coffee? Why would that make any sense? I am such an idiot…’  _ Her miserable thoughts continued, at least until she was certain she could not be vomiting anything else. Careful not to slip, she stood up, flushing the remnants of her failure and turning to the sink to wash her hands. Glancing in the mirror, she realized just how awful she truly looked. Stands of mousy blue-black hair clung to her sweaty forehead, while the bags under her eyes gave away the lack of sleep. A near-green tint had made its home on her cheeks, making her look like she was ready to kill over at any moment (which wasn't entirely false).  _ ‘Oh, just great… at least my stomach feels better.’  _ She thought, cleaning up as best she could. Finger combing her hair made it stay off her face, helping her look a bit more presentable. She picked up her case and made her way to the boardroom, where she was greeted with the stares of none other than Xanthe Diamond, her Executive Partner (and wife) Linnea, and her fiance. Linnea and Varda looked disturbed, staring at the disheveled lawyer as she practically fell into the room. Xanthe looked indifferent until she opened her mouth to speak.

 

“It’s proper etiquette to arrive fifteen minutes early. You’re five minutes early, which makes you ten minutes late.” Her sharp eyes seemed to stab into Nila, causing her stomach to ache once more. 

 

“I- I am so sorry, ma’am. It won't happen again.” She stammered.

 

“It better not. Now present. We’re quite busy.” Snapped the CEO. 

 

_ ‘I am so dead. I am completely, absolutely, one hundred percent dead.’  _ The defense lawyer thought, setting up her laptop and handing Xanthe and Linnea her report. She cleared her throat softly.

 

“As you can imagine, the company is running at peak condition. Due to the hard work and tremendous efforts of you both, Misses Diamonds, as professional leaders, DAC has never been in a better position than it is now. Our financial advisors estimate that we could double our profits within the next year. But this is also the perfect time for a person making ludicrous claims against the company to get compensation for the… incident last year.” She said, gaining a sharp glance from Xanthe that made her delicate stomach churn once again. A bead of sweat broke out on her face as the cramps tightened and subsided once more. “Now, we all know that the company took quite a heavy blow from the construction accident. However, Miss Varda and myself were able to settle claims as fairly as possible. This does not, however, keep workers who were not able to gain compensation because of false claims from attempting to sue the company. This is why I have come up with the “faulty claim clause”, to continue to keep our workers from being able to make a faulty claim because they are contractually obligated against such actions. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how could we ever get a worker to sign that? The answer is to reassure each worker that they are not, in fact, being stripped of their workers compensation rights. It is simply a protective factor to keep any incidents of false accusations against the company from holding ground. The report in front of you is the legal work needed to add it to the company clause, and to sweeten the deal, there is the possibility of each worker gaining up to three extra PTO days so they will cooperate better.” Nila explained. For quite some time, no one spoke. Varda looked anxious- adding a clause had gone against Xanthe’s wishes. However, Nila needed to take this risk, or else nothing would be done to protect the company. The lawyers stomach threatened to spill its contents again, if no one spoke. But then, the silence was cut by a rarely heard voice.

 

“This is a good idea,” Linnea said, calmly, cooly. “Do you agree, Xanthe?”

 

The CEO turned to face her partner, golden eyes meeting bright blue. “...I suppose this is a good idea. But would it hold water in the American Bar Association conference?”

 

“I have nearly fifty slides of information, Ms. Diamond. I have done research for nearly a month on this topic, this clause was written and re-written nearly ten times. I have lost countless hours of sleep perfecting every part of this document because I want it to be perfect not only for you and the company but to reflect the work ethic I most obviously have. I am more than prepared for this.” Nila said, her voice raising to a confident tone. It seemed to surprise everyone in the room. Varda sat up straight, Linnea turned to Xanthe in expectation. For a moment, no one dared to breathe.

 

“Alright, Nila. You’ve won your case.” Xanthe stood up. “The first week of next month, you’ll be flying to DC to present this clause. You will not disappoint me.” It was a declaration of confidence that the CEO rarely placed in anyone. “Good day.” She turned, walking out with Linnea in tow. 

 

_ ‘Oh my god. I just did that. I just did that.’  _ Nila thought, her eyes wide. 

 

Varda dove on top of her, laughing happily. “Oh, darling! Look at how amazing that was! I'm so proud of you!” Her voice took on a bubbly tone, as she giggled. 

 

“Yeah, I should get ready! I need to pack, rearrange and re-format my presentation, triple check my reports, choose an outfit…” Her thoughts screeched to a halt. “I can't go.”

 

“What do you mean you can't go?” Varda asked, holding her cheeks. “Don't tell me this has to do with your anxiety. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, you wanted this more than anything!”

 

Nila recoiled at the mention of anxiety. “What do you mean, ‘because of my anxiety’? That’s a perfectly valid reason not to go to a presentation of that type, Varda. You know how I struggle with it. It’s a  _ disease,  _ not just something I can get rid of on my own!” Annoyance dripped from her voice. “But that wasn't even the case. I'll be missing our wedding.” 

 

“Well… oh. That's alright, Nila, this is a huge event. I want you to focus on your career.” She said, trying to hide her obvious disappointment. “We can just… push everything until the end of the month. That would work better anyway because we can go on our honeymoon right after instead of waiting. Oh, and sorry about your anxiety thingy.” 

 

_ ‘No you aren't.’  _ “It's alright. Let's just… head home. My stomach hurts.” She said, feeling the familiar urge to vomit return to her body.

 

“You go ahead, I still have work to finish. I'll get you ginger ale on the way home.” Varda kissed her cheek and strode off, seemingly unscathed and unaffected. Nila turned and packed her things, silently riding the subway back to their home. Contemplating between going directly to sleep or cleaning her office. Either way, her stomach would not settle, and so she chose to clean. Looking at the behemoth in front of her, it almost felt comforting- at least something needed her attention. Rolling up her sleeves, she began to sort paper after paper. Boxes were organized with colored folders, placing legal documents in one labeled box, reference papers in another, and so forth. They were then placed in the storage closet beside her bookshelves, where she dusted and moved things to their rightful place. Shelf after shelf, box after box, her office returned to its original state as a beautiful sanctuary for the lawyer to work. She plugged her laptop in to charge, took off her shoes and wristwatch, and walked to the bedroom to undress. She bathed to remove the grime and sweat from her day, avoiding to look in the mirror once more. After this was finished, she finally checked the time. 

 

_ ‘Midnight… and she still isn't home.’  _

 

She tried to pretend like it did not hurt, thinking that perhaps her lover was hung up at the office. Her boss could be very demanding. But it did hurt. Varda knew that she was ill, and Varda knew she had an awful day. She knew all of these things, and she still did not bother to make the time for her. Not even a phone call. Hell, not even a text. But when Varda was sick, Nila went to extreme lengths to care for her. She left work early, bringing home soup and tea, swaddling her lover in blankets and comforting her when she was even fatigued with a headache. But she did not receive the same treatment. How could she? She was only an object, after all. Something to be proud of. She tried to pretend like she was not crying. 

 

Surrounded by pillows and blankets on the canopy bed, her mind wandered once more, to ignore the pain in her stomach. It wandered to a time when she cared for someone who returned it. 

 

_ “Okay, okay. That’s alright, you’re safe now. You’re safe. Come on, let me clean you up. It’s going to be alright.” Nila murmured softly, beginning to clean her cheeks off. Her lover had sprinted into their dorm, late in the night, sobbing and babbling about someone who had been ‘following’ her. Whether it was true or not did not matter. She was ready to care for her no matter what.  _

 

_ “I'm sorry I woke you up. I was so afraid.” She seemed so small, crying on the edge of the bed, in a torn pencil skirt and dirtied white top. Nothing truly frightened the prosecutor, she was always so sly and confident. It scared Nila to see her that way.  _

 

_ “Don't apologize. You need me right now, and that's okay. You’re always there for me, I should return the favor for once.” She chuckled softly, helping her undress and climb into bed. It was two dorm beds shoved together, quite small, and not long enough for Nila. But she never complained. Her legs intertwined with those of her lover, pulling her into a loving and comforting embrace. “I'm here, and you're safe. I won't ever hurt you. I love you.” She whispered in her ear, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. She could feel the tears beginning to soak into her shirt. The other woman nodded softly, her hands balling up the fabric of Nila’s shirt in her palms. She was frightened, that often rendered her quiet and shaken. But she was a trooper. She still managed to respond.  _

 

_ “I love you so much.” The lump in her throat made her sound small.  _

 

_ “Goodnight, baby. I'll always be here if you need me.” Nila promised.  _

 

_ “I'll always be here for you too, even if you leave me, even if you hate me.” The prosecutor whispered softly.  _

 

Somewhere, in her resting mind, Nila wondered if she still held that promise. Her stomach continued to ache. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I manage to make myself emo with nearly every chapter I write. I love these girls so much.


	5. Arrival

_ The bags were packed, arranged neatly in the trunk of her little blue car. For a college graduate, it was of nice quality, but her parents had gotten it for her as a gift. This was the last time she would be moving out of her Harvard dorm, the last time she would lift those heavy boxes of books back and forth down the stairs. The last time she would say goodbye. In fact, in the list of lasts, she and her… former lover was the last to leave. The blonde girl stared quietly at the defense lawyer in front of her.  _

 

_ ‘I guess this is it.’ Her voice cut through the warm, early-summer air.  _

 

_ ‘Yeah… I guess so. Thank you.’ Nila whispered, looking anywhere but into her eyes. This had to be done fast, like ripping off a band-aid. That was if the bandage was leaving a former lover of six years in the Harvard parking lot to start a new job in New York. She climbed into the driver's seat and started the car.  _

 

_ ‘Goodbye.’ _

 

_ The car began to move, slowly, down the parking lot. ‘Wait!’ Her former lover had called. She stopped the car and rolled down the window. _

 

_ ‘I know you hate me because… I moved too fast. But for what it’s worth, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to drive you away. I love you, and I'll always love you, no matter what. Even if you hate me and never see me again, I'll still love you, and I hope that you have the best life you can because you deserve to be happy, even if it isn't with me. I love you.’ Her words stung like hot water.  _

 

_ Nila did not respond and drove away. _

 

_ On the asphalt where she had just been, the prosecutor dropped her arm, as the car sped out of view.  _

 

Nila shut her eyes tightly, the scene brought on by the sight of her dress clothes and reports placed in the same suitcases she used when she moved out all those years ago. Why did memories work so oddly? Why were they always brought on by something so simple, like a suitcase, or the sun on bedsheets, or laying her head on her current lover's’ chest? 

 

“Darling? Are you ready to go?” Varda asked softly, noticing that Nila had stopped moving and was simply staring at her suitcases. “The car is here…” She murmured, kissing her temple. 

 

“Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm ready… Are you positive that you’ll be okay on your own for this week? I know you’re upset about the wedding.” She asked her fiance, stroking her cheek with her thumb. Despite Varda being very optimistic about the ordeal, and quite supportive, Nila still worried about her. She knew she had been distant in the last month. Hopefully, this trip would give her some time to clear her mind, and wipe out the doubts about her wedding. She could never reveal to Varda that she was relieved when she found out the wedding was being pushed to the end of the month. It would be wrong, saying that she did not love Varda. She simply was anxious about the thought of marrying her. There had never been a formal proposal, which made everything feel… off. 

 

_ ‘Would you marry me, Nila?’ Varda whispered as they laid naked on their plush bed. The afterglow of sex had bathed them in giddy laughter, sweet kisses, and playful touches. Nila had not been that happy in years, laying in the arms of her lover.  _

 

_ ‘Marry you? Are you serious?’ She asked quietly, cocking her head to the side.  _

 

_ ‘Yeah. I know I don't have a ring, or a fancy speech, or… anything. But I do have love, and I want to give it to you, forever.’ Varda turned to face her, stroking her cheek. ‘So what do you say?’ _

 

_ ‘I… I will.’ Nila smiled, leaning into her embrace. ‘I will marry you.’ _

 

“Nila!” Varda said, waving a hand in front of her face. Damn, she really needed to stop having these flashbacks, it was starting to mess with her head. 

 

“I'm alright, sorry. I'm just so tired, I can't wait to sleep on the plane.” She offered a smile.

 

“Be safe. I love you.” Her fiance said quietly, kissing her goodbye. “When you come back, it'll be smooth sailing into our wedding and honeymoon. Be sure to call me when you get there!” She added, as Nila walked to the taxi and loaded her bags. 

 

“I will! See you soon, I love you!” She waved her hand, getting in and telling the taxi driver to get her to the airport. She hoped that this trip would be worth it, as she desperately needed the time to clear her head. The ride to the airport went smoothly, and she managed to get through bag check with no snags. Even boarding the plane was easy, which was most likely due to the fact that Linnea had convinced Xanthe to allow her to fly first-class. In fact, her boss had really pulled the strings to get the very best for her. She would be granted a rental car instead of using the subway, the presidential suite in the hotel connected to the convention center, and even time to relax afterward. The conference only ran until Monday, but Nila was able to stay until Friday.  _ “It’ll keep her well rested. After all, she does present on the very first day.”  _ Linnea had said, stroking her wife’s arm. Apparently, that was all it took. Nila was quite thankful. She lounged back, crossed her arms over her chest, and managed to catch a few hours of sleep. She was only awoken by the sound of the pilot allowing passengers to exit the plane. 

 

_ ‘Well, that went well. This might actually turn out to be a good trip.’  _ She thought to herself, taking her overhead bag and entering the terminal. She was shocked by the number of people leaving the plane that she had not noticed before- in formal wear, to boot. “Excuse me,” Nila asked one of them softly. “Are you here for the American Bar Association Conference?” 

 

“Oh, yes. My company sent my entire firm.” The woman answered, with a polite smile. Nila thanked her and went on her way to pick up her rental car. 

 

They were lawyers, all arriving for this huge conference that she had the honor of speaking at. Her stomach fluttered with a rabble of butterflies, as excitement overtook her. She was going to be a guest speaker in front of some of the best lawyers in the Nation. This was a huge accomplishment for her. The excitement only seemed to dwindle as she approached the rental car desk. It always made her anxious to speak to someone new, and she had not even had time to rehearse what she was going to say. 

 

“I uh, I’m here to pick up the car reserved for Nila from the Diamond Authority Cooperation. My… m-my boss called it in.” She stammered, wanting to smack her face off of the counter for stumbling. However, the man behind the counter seemed uninterested as he read off the rules of the car to Nila. When she had signed the forms, a FOB was placed in her hand. “Um… this is a Porsche.” 

 

“Look, this is what the lady reserved. Do you want your damn keys or not?” He asked, annoyed. 

 

“Er, yes. This is fine.” She snatched them and walked away, grinning. She had really lucked out on this trip, and it was starting to make her feel great. Maybe this was a good omen. She hoped it would carry out to her presentation the next day, and hopefully, she could let loose and maybe make some new connections while she was there. As she approached the sleek, hot,  _ expensive  _ Porsche, her grin grew even wider.  _ ‘Of course, it’s blue.’  _ She thought, laughing a bit to herself. Her bags were tossed in the trunk, and she slid into the driver's seat, starting the car with a push of the button and throwing the location of the hotel in the GPS. It read it back to her and automatically began to warm the seats. “Oh, mama needs one of  _ these. _ ” The engine purred as she left the parking lot. With the windows down, and wind in her hair, she couldn't help but let out a whoop of happiness- she was finally starting to feel like herself again, the way she felt in college. Taking in the sights of the city, she did not even mind being caught in traffic. Her eyes scanned the Washington monument, the capitol building, and the skyscrapers gracing the clouds with their tops. It was beautiful, the sun was shining, and she felt ready to take on this weekend. As she approached the hotel, bellboys stood up straight, opening her door and taking her bags. They drove her car to park, courtesy of the Diamond Authority Cooperation and took her things right up to her room. The hotel lobby was gorgeous. Huge marble pillars, almost three stories high, framed the giant room. There was a chic bar on one side, a restaurant on the other, and hallways leading to the convention floor. Busy people rushed between each area, holding arms full of papers, laptops, and boxes. Nila smiled with glee, feeling surrounded by people who loved the law as much as she did. After all, it was not every day that a person could talk about the amendment process with someone who shared the same enthusiasm. She picked up her room key, went to the tenth floor, and unlocked her room. 

 

“Holy shit! This is… holy shit!” Her eyes grew wide. The room was gigantic, with hot tub in the corner, beside her own private balcony. There was a flat-screen television, a couch, a fully stocked liquor fridge, and a huge basket on the coffee table. Picking up the note, she grinned when she found it was from Varda. 

 

_ ‘Good luck with your presentation, darling. I know you’ll make us all proud. XOXO, Varda.’ _

 

Nila smiled and set it back down, wandering to the sliding door of her bedroom. There was a king sized bed, covered with soft linens and pillows. The full-sized window looked out to the city. It was beautiful, the sun glittering against the window of the office building across from her. It was close (probably twenty feet apart, at most), and she could see the workers inside. They hustled and bustled, in their formal wear. Perhaps it was some big business, or maybe even a law firm. It would be fun to people watch when she was finished exploring the convention center and got some dinner, and perhaps went over her report once more. Of course, that would happen after she took a nice, relaxing shower. After a call to Varda, that ended with an enthusiastic exchange of love, she left her room to explore. 

 

_ ‘This is going to be a fantastic trip.’  _ She concluded as the elevator doors opened to the big room. 

 

It was late when she finally returned to her hotel room, after sharing dinner with a fascinating group of lawyers who specialized in international business. They had shared fruity cocktails while reviewing and giving small critiques to Nila’s report, all the while making her feel welcomed and at home. It was wonderful, and she was happy. No one there knew about Varda, they only saw her for who she was and her accomplishments. It was a welcomed change. Another welcomed change was the shower- it had three waterfall heads and two jets on the side. “I think I just met the love of my life.” She mused aloud, washing her hair thoroughly. The water soothed her muscles, and for the finishing touch, she dried in the softest towels she had ever felt. She grabbed her tea from the table and sat on the balcony. Unwound, dressed in a soft nightshirt and pants, Nila was able to relax in the soft chair. Her eyes wandered to the lights of the city. The office building in front of her was dark, though, like the night sky. The only light was in the room directly across from her. 

 

“Ha, working late. I know that life.” She said, to the table beside her. It was quite a good listener. She glanced down at her papers and read through them once more, and decided that she had done enough. They were placed back inside on the coffee table, and she returned to sit and watch the office worker on their top floor, corner office. For a while, there was little to no movement. The occasional swivel of the large-backed chair alluded to the fact that there was still someone there, and that the light was not just left on by an irresponsible intern. Nila assumed they had been working on a very important project if they were still awake and not moving to leave. She understood that it was the kind of dedication it took to become the best. Late nights were a small price to pay for greatness, after all. As she lost herself in thought again, the chair began to move. She thought it would be another fluke, but this time, the person turned completely to the side, as though they were ready to stand up. The movement caused her to sit up straight, to get a better view. For a moment, she wondered if she was being creepy, but that was quickly pacified by the scene unfolding before her.

 

The person rose from their chair and turned to the window, gazing upwards at the sky above themselves. Her jawline was sharp, even angular. High cheekbones framed her face carefully, creating a hollow look. Nila noted that she was quite skinny, it made her face look sunken, but she had a mysterious beauty about her. Her ash blonde hair was cropped short and spiked in a clean pompadour on top of her head. It looked professional, as though she could not bear to bother with the thought of having long, untamable hair. Her hips were encased in a tight, black pencil skirt, that flared slightly with a small ruffle when it landed on her knee. A champagne colored shirt, shining like satin, was tucked into the waistline. On top of her unique nose, rest a pair of gold-rimmed glasses. They were square, perhaps so she could glance at them. Her posture was stiff, stone cold, as though all she radiated was a serious nature and nothing else. It reminded her of someone, a woman who moved smoothly through court. A voice that could echo with every objection, a voice that soothed her to sleep. The face of someone so familiar, and so distant, she may not perhaps exist at all.

 

Nila was to her feet, leaning on the railing of the balcony. Her eyes were huge, hands numb and shaking at the same time. A familiar feeling of excitement bubbled up, but it was encased in fear. The woman was so familiar, could it be… 

 

The woman turned and looked at Nila, her jaw dropping open when she made eye contact. 

 

“Melina.” Nila whispered, staring back at the prosecutor. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm going to receive a million comments about the fact that no one can see into a window that well. This is fiction though, and it helps push the plot.


	6. Realize

Moments after the realization that yes, this was indeed her former lover, the blinds adjacent to her were slammed shut. “Fuck…” Nila whispered, rubbing her face. She felt the crushing weight of disappointment in her gut, wondering momentarily why it was there in the first place. This was all one big coincidence, she was never supposed to see Melina again. So why was she upset that the woman had shut the curtains on her? Her mind was racing, as she went back to lay in her bed. 

 

_ ‘Okay, this is no big deal. It was just a weird coincidence. She probably won't even be there tomorrow. It’s no big deal. Just go to sleep.’  _ Her brain tried to will itself to slow down, to sleep, in hopes the memory would suppress itself overnight. Thankfully, though, she was able to pass out from exhaustion. 

 

_ “Melina… I'm sorry. You have to understand. This is all too much for me, I just couldn't handle you. You and I are opposites… plus, with your new job offer in Virginia, and mine in New York? The distance would just be too much. Besides, we have our whole lives ahead of us.” Nila explained, as gently as possible. _

 

_ “This isn't about distance and you know it.” She snapped bitterly. “You don't want to marry me anymore. You chewed me up and spat me out when your flight instincts kicked in. You spent seven years with me, and then suddenly, nothing! Like I never mattered to you in the first place, as if I'm disposable! My emotions don't matter to you, and you hurt me!” The tears flowed freely down her cheeks. “You hurt me… You hurt me.” She repeated as if finally realizing the magnitude of her situation. This was a fight that would never be won. This was the one case she could not turn in her favor. She was stuck. It hurt.  _

 

_ “I'm sorry, Melina. But this just won't work.”  _

 

Nila hated waking up with such awful memories bouncing around in her head, especially on the morning of her special presentation. After all, she was really vouching on this presentation wiping out her doubts about the wedding, and the doubts of her career. It was so soon, but she did have time to prepare, which made her feel much better. Stepping out of bed and into the soft light of day, she glanced at herself in the mirror. “Woah, you actually look good today.” She said to herself, as she opened the closet doors to choose an outfit. This could not just be an average-looking formal event, and so she chose her best pair of pants and button up top. The pants were navy blue, with a faint, royal blue pinstripe. As most of the clothes she owned were high waisted and high necked, this was no different. The top was satin and pure white, with a ruffle around the neck, and billowing sleeves that became tight only around her wrists. To complete the look, she added a pair of gray oxford shoes and smoothed her hair back. She looked prim, proper, and professional, and that made her feel a lot better than she had when she woke up. She was so engrossed with her image, that she almost missed a phone call from Varda. 

 

“Darling! Good morning, are you ready for your presentation?” Her exuberant fiance asked, almost too enthusiastic for her own good. 

 

“Hello, love. Yes, I'm ready. I'm about to leave on the convention floor right now.” She responded, grabbing her briefcase and placing her laptop and reports inside. 

 

“Well, best of luck. I'm rooting for you from back home, the company is live streaming it through our website. Xanthe and Linnea are actually watching it in the boardroom. It's amazing… I've never seen Linnea so excited. She really believes in you.” 

 

Nila smiled at that note, pride swelling in her breast. “Wow… That really is amazing.”

 

“Well, you really are amazing, love. Now go along and get ready. I love you!” Varda hung up, leaving Nila smiling like a fool in the empty hotel room until she came to a very harsh realization: Her employers were watching. That meant that if she messed up, she was royally screwed. 

 

_ ‘Jesus fuck.’  _ She thought, leaving the room and catching the elevator down to the first floor. As she entered the convention floor, she followed the route to the biggest auditorium they had available and sat nearly 2000 people. Her nerves were beginning to become a problem, as she was greeted by the event coordinator. “So basically, someone will come get you when it’s time for you to go on stage. You can watch the speeches beforehand on these TV’s- they are wired into the auditorium. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.” She said, smiling. “Oh, and I know some people like to be alone with these things, so no one is going to bother you here. The bathroom is right through that door.” She gestured to it, leaving and closing the door behind her. 

 

The tiny room was starting to eat her alive. It was so small, and it was so hot in there. But the AC was on, how was it so hot? “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She whispered, feeling her chest tighten up. “Oh fuck. I can't do this.” A soft wheeze accompanied the end of her sentence. She knew she had to do this, her job, her respect, and her possible marriage hung in the balance.  _ ‘Okay, maybe not that last part, but definitely the first two.’  _ She thought, laying her head on the table. Her mind began to wander, betraying the feelings she had concealed so well.  _ ‘If only Melina were here… She always helped me feel better. No, what am i saying? You’ll be getting married soon, and you’re thinking of sex with your ex? Now you’ve really done it, too anxious to present, a bumbling fool, and on top of that, a whore. But… if Varda doesn't know, then is it all that bad? It isn't like you'll actually be doing anything. Just thinking of someone else when you touch yourself isn't that bad, is it?’  _ She mused.  _ ‘Your reputation hangs in the balance.’  _ The statement stuck out in her mind. She had to do it. Her eyes shifted as she stood up, locking the door to the room.  _ ‘I cannot believe I am about to jack off to the memory of my ex-girlfriend to prevent an anxiety attack while some of the top lawyers in the country talk in the room right beside me.’ _

 

Her soft hands were warm as she slipped them down the front of her panties, shutting her eyes. Her mind wandered to the thought of the prosecutor, holding her down. She always had such soft, warm hands. Her fingers were not particularly long, but they felt amazing. She was peculiarly strong for someone who never did any heavy work, as she was always able to hold Nila down to any surface. The way she would trail her lips along her jaw, whispering the sweetest compliments into her skin as she shoved her fingers in and out of her entrance. Those fingers moved so fast, so smoothly, in and out… 

 

_ ‘You control your future. You control your life. Tell me what you want. Control me.’  _ Melina would whisper in her ear. Nila came fast, and hard, muffling her cries with little success. It brought her back to reality, where she felt as calm as possible. In fact, some of her confidence had returned. “Wow… so that still works.” She mused aloud, standing and pulling up her pants. Using paper towels from the bathroom, she cleaned the chair, washed her hands, and sat down where she had just whacked herself off. For the rest of the time, she studied her reports, until the same coordinator got her for the speech. 

 

“Do you think you’re ready?” She asked her, smiling. 

 

“Oh, I'm more than ready,” Nila answered, as she was brought behind a curtain. She heard her name announced, and the thunderous applause of a room full of lawyers. It made that feeling of pride swell higher in her chest, as she stepped out into the lights, blinded by her very first feeling of being starstruck. Except now, she was the star. Her confidence soared, and she set her report on the podium. The speech to follow was nothing short than a miracle. All of her points landed, all of the small puns caused booming laughter, and she finished without stuttering once. It was amazing, she felt on top of the world. People clapped for her, smiles on their faces, and she shook hands with her peers as she left the stage. She couldn't believe how well that went. As she walked to her private seat, she was hit with her current reality. 

 

She had made this accomplishment, perhaps one of the best of her life, and it did not fix anything. Her gut practically dropped out from inside of her. She still felt nervous about the wedding, she was still hurting over Melina. Nothing had changed, and that was perhaps the worst realization she could ever have. 

 

_ ‘Oh my god, I'm doomed.’  _ She thought, sinking down into her seat. She could not even focus on the interesting speakers that laid out law and clause plans, which was her favorite. It made her sulk, as she stretched her long legs out in front of her, slouching in her chair.  _ ‘I could use a drink right now…’  _ She thought, glancing over at the mini-bar along the far wall. In a moment, she was there, making herself a gin and tonic.  _ ‘To my presentation, the only thing in my life that isn't crumbling around me.’  _ Nila thought, drowning her sorrows in minty heat. Settling back down, she found that the more drinks she had, the easier it was to enjoy the presentations. Sure, she was clapping obnoxiously loud, but she was alone in her own private room, and it caused no problems. 

 

_ ‘This is fantastic.’  _ She giggled, looking at the screen.  _ ‘Everyone is so talented… oh, who’s next?’ _

 

The next speaker came to the stage, in a slim, black pencil skirt and white button up top. She seemed pretty tired, Nila noted, until she caught a glimpse of her face. Indeed, it was her former lover. 

 

“Holy shit!” Her voice cracked with the octave of a pubescent teen. Had she been sober, she probably would have run away as soon as she saw Melina. But she was not sober, and so she stayed, watching the speech unfold. It was quite sobering to watch her, presenting with a seriousness about her tone that rose above the almost-playful one Nila was used to from their previous work. She spoke of heavy topics that her law firm (which ended up being across the street) handled, such as domestic and international terrorism, victim claims, and other hard subjects that most lawyers shied away from. When she was finished, the room was quiet, as though the applause were only whispers of amazement. 

 

A moment later, the same woman was standing in the room with Nila, escorted by an oblivious coordinator who had no idea of the past history between the two. The same hush fell over the tiny space, and both women could hear the faint sound of the door closing behind them. 

 


	7. Change

“Melina…” Nila whispered, looking down towards her. “I… I didn't know you were going to be here.” 

 

“I… c-... I can't…” The woman crumpled, her face contorting to try and ebb the flow of tears on her cheeks. Nila watched silently, unsure of what to do, no words left on her tongue to comfort her former lover. “It's been… so long. I thought… I…” Her voice was tiny and weak. Nila only moved when Melina stumbled, catching her arms to hold her up. 

 

“Hey, hey. Sit down, come on.” She lowered her into the chair and sat across from her. “Careful, don't fall…” Her voice took on the tone of a doting mother. She noted that she had never spoken like that to Varda.

 

“You still talk like you’re my mom,” Melina whispered, after a long silence. “You never change.” She finally looked into her eyes, offering a tiny smile for the defense lawyer. 

 

“Neither do you. You still manage to scare me.” Nila smiled back. They stared at each other for a moment, before both faces were cast down, tears falling out of sad and tired eyes. It was comforting to cry in the presence of old love. The sobs no longer cried out for someone to listen to them, because the broken hearts of both lovers heard every silent word. “I'm sorry.” She choked, reaching for her hands. “I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” 

 

“But you did!” Melina yelled, recoiling. “You did hurt me. It hurt so bad.” She whispered, clutching at her chest. “It hurts…” 

 

“I know. I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me, you don't have to pretend that this is okay. You can hate me forever and never want to talk to me again. But I need you to understand that I'm sorry, Melina.” She whispered. “Please, just know how sorry I am.” 

 

“...I know. It's wrong of me to put all the blame on you. It was my fault too.” She whispered, wiping her eyes with a tissue. “I'm sorry too.” 

 

“I… thank you,” Nila said, looking at her again. “Maybe… well, if you would have me, I would like to maybe… make amends. It would mean a lot to me.”

 

“I would too, Nila. How long are you here?” She pulled out a compact mirror and began to touch up her ruined makeup. Nila noted that it did not do a good job of covering how exhausted she looked. Her eyes were tired, the bags underneath them dark. It was all that was expected of someone who worked hard all the time.

 

“I'm here until Friday. But won't your partner be angry at you? I mean, if you spend time with your ex-girlfriend…” Her voice had an air of worry about it.  _ ‘I know Varda would kill me if she knew about this.’  _ She thought. 

 

“Partner…? Ha, you’re funny. I don't have a partner. I was engaged two years ago, but she left me. Apparently, I was already married to work.” 

 

“Oh… I'm sorry.” The defense lawyer said, frowning. It was sad that she had not had her happy ending yet. 

 

“To be honest… I couldn't marry her anyway. I was really happy when I was alone again. It sounds bad, Nila, but… I never wanted anyone but you.” Her honesty was brutal. Nila chose not to think about it. Too much bad could come of her mind straying that far. “How about you?” 

 

“I'm engaged… Varda and I are getting married at the end of the month.” She watched Melina visibly slump a bit, covering it up by pretending she was adjusting the waistband of her skirt. She offered no congratulations, but who would? It hurt. 

 

“Well, I have free time tonight at six. I can meet you in the lobby.” She said, taking Nila’s drink and downing it. “See you then.” Then, she was gone, slamming the door behind her. The defense lawyer sat in shock, her mind mulling and her heart throbbing. Her damn heart, throbbing and crying one name, a name she did not want to accept.  _ ‘Melina, Melina, Melina, Melina!’  _ It wanted Melina, her Melina. But she could not give it what it wanted, could she? She could not just break things off with Varda. Besides, she was happy with her fiance. The doubts she had were normal. It was normal to feel distant all the time, it was normal to feel lonely. It was just a reality of being a human being. Everyone felt that way. Relationships are not meant to be passionate, loving, and gentle all the time. Relationships were pain and crying and loneliness. Isolation is natural. At least, that was what she continued to tell herself.

 

Nila put her head in her hands and sighed, rubbing her aching temples.  _ ‘This is just one huge mess… how am I going to get out of it? I could… stay here. But how could I? Varda would kill me, and so would Linnea and Xanthe. But… do I even care? How could I care? I want to be happy. I want to be happy.’  _ Her mind reeled, and she stood, walking out of the room and back to the elevator. Riding up to the tenth floor, she walked into the room, set her alarm for six, and fell asleep in the bed. 

 

_ “Melina, your hands are freezing!” Nila squealed, as her girlfriend grabbed her boobs underneath her shirt. “Get off of me, you freak.” She said, feigning annoyance.  _

 

_ “Aww, don't you want my hands on your boobies?” Melina pouted, her eyes sparkling with happiness. They had just finished exams for the year, and they could finally relax, laying in their bed. She stopped pouting, though. She started to stare Nila down.  _

 

_ “What’re you making that face for?”  _

 

_ “Nothing, babe. You’re just… really pretty.” Melina smiled. She always managed to tumble her rocks.  _

The incessant buzzing of her alarm caused her to wake up from her comforting dream. 

 

“Dammit…” She murmured, stretching. She was still dressed, and stood up, adjusting her clothes and grabbing her satchel. Contemplating calling Varda, she decided against it, so that she would not be late and make Melina feel like she was stood up. After all, Nila had asked her for this meeting. It would be easier to not tip her off. Taking the elevator down, she realized she probably had bedhead. A quick glance at the reflective surface of the doors proved right, and she desperately tried to smooth it down. The doors opened again and Melina stepped on, starting to laugh when she saw Nila smoothing her hair down. 

 

“Still can't tame your bedhead?” She smirked, stepping into the elevator. “Damn, did you actually sleep in your clothes? Look at your buttons.” Her hands moved to her top, adjusting the open buttons and smoothing the ruffles. It was a natural reaction, Nila barely registered what was happening, until Melina looked up at her with a dusty red on her cheeks. They were inches apart, just barely touching. 

 

“Thank you,” Nila whispered, smiling softly at her. Melina could only nod, stepping back as the elevator opened. 

 

“I suppose this is your first time in DC. I can show you the best places to eat, hang out, and of course, talk about the failures of our relationship.” She harped, a certain playful tone to her voice. “My favorite is the hill beside the Washington Monument. I can show you the way, it’s pretty close.” She smiled, walking beside her. “It has just the right amount of people, so you feel isolated when you’re talking to someone else.” 

 

“Wow… alright. But this isn't my first time here. It's just the first time in a while.” Nila followed behind her, as Melina carried herself like she owned the entire city. _ ‘Move over, Congress, Melina was here and ready to kick ass.’  _ She thought, smiling to herself. 

 

“Oh, right. Well, regardless, I love it there. I think you’ll like it too. But if there are too many people, or you get nervous, tell me. The last thing I want you to do is to start wheezing in your dress clothes.” 

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Thank you.” She was a bit shocked that Melina still cared about her comfort. But why would she not? The prosecutor had watched her go through countless anxiety attacks. She knew how awful they were. It touched her heart that she still cared. “Woah… I forgot how beautiful this place is.” 

 

“Yeah… my little slice of heaven.” Melina said wistfully, leading her to the grassy area she enjoyed the most. They sat on a bench, beside each other, underneath some trees. It was beautiful, serene, and quiet. “So… I know that a lot of why this didn't work was because I asked you to marry me and you weren't ready. But… I still wonder why you didn't… try to make it work. You just… disappeared.” 

“It wasn't because you asked me to marry you when I wasn't ready. It was because I was afraid of committing to you. I was scared you would hurt me.” Nila said quietly. “I was never as close to anyone as I was to you. You knew everything about me, Melina. All of my insecurities, fears, and dreams were just… in your hands. It was terrifying. I was afraid of getting hurt. I don't know why I thought that… You hadn't shown any signs of ever wanting to hurt me. But fear works in funny ways. The thought of marrying you terrified me. Every time I would think about it I would feel trapped like you shoved me in a box and taped it closed. It sounds harsh but it's true. I thought you would have used me until you were bored and left. I just couldn't live with that situation… I couldn't handle it. I'm sorry, Melina. I was just too afraid. That's why I ran… I always run when I'm afraid.” 

 

“I was always worried you felt that way.” She rubbed her cheeks. “Nila, why couldn't you just tell me how you felt? Things could have been different… We could have turned out just fine.” 

 

“I don't know. I really don't know, Melina.” Nila exclaimed, furiously blinking back tears. “I was scared. I really can't explain it. I was so scared.” 

 

Melina lifted her hand to wipe the tears from Nila’s cheeks. “Don’t cry… You know I'll start crying if you start crying.” She chuckled, though her eyes were full of tears. “You have to understand, Nila, I could only do as much as you’d let me. You never told me when you were feeling scared, or trapped. I could only help if you asked for it… But I know I made things hard. I was emotional a lot. I really dumped myself onto you. I'm sorry.” She took her hand, squeezing it carefully. “I recognize that I'm not the best person for anyone. I can be toxic. I can be needy, and dirty, and too much for someone to handle. I know that. I'm trying to change. I think before I speak, I try to put other people's emotions into my own thoughts so I can understand what they're going through. I try to make everything as equal as possible. I'm sorry that I made you feel trapped. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. I can understand now why you left.“ She explained, carefully. “And for what it's worth, Nila… I still love you.”

 

Nila contemplated this for a while, as she had done so many nights in the past. This was a huge crossroad for her, and it scared her. Nausea had risen in her stomach, her head was swimming. She decided to take the risk and say it, even though she was sure it would make everything worse for her. Or maybe, just maybe, it would make things better. “I love you, too.”

 

Melina began to laugh. It started as a slow giggle and developed into big, whooping cackles (which Nila found to be cute, albeit confusing). She grasped her hips and tried to catch her breath. 

 

“Melina? Come on, what's so funny? Come on!” Nila whined. “You know I hate it when you do that to me! Just tell me!” 

 

“You just… you haven't changed a bit. The dramatic pauses, the whining, the dopey way you stare at me. You’re exactly the same!” She laughed. 

 

“Well, you haven't changed either! Your haircut is exactly the same. Let me guess, you use the same gel too. Your glasses haven't changed either, same rims and everything! If anything, you’re the one who's always the same.” Nila argued. 

 

“I guess you’re right.” Melina smiled at her, relaxing. Now that the hard part was over, she seemed to be much happier and less tense. “Maybe I should have a makeover. I don't know, though. It's hard to do much of anything when you’re always focusing on global acts of terrorism.” She rubbed her eyes. “You know, if I could give you any advice, it would be to never do anything you don't want to do. Ever. Life is way too short to be this miserable.”

 

“Why do you do it if you hate it so much?” Nila asked softly. “I thought you liked being a lawyer.”

 

“I do. I love the law, I love the thrill of court. But this kind of law… It just messes with your head. It's disturbing, and it's sad. I hate that part. I don't want to keep doing it… but this is all I have. You know that. No family, no social life to speak of. It's just… work. That's my legacy.” 

 

“It doesn't have to be. You could do something else… It's never too late to start over, Melina. You can still be happy. No one deserves to live a miserable life.” Nila watched her eyes shift. “And… you aren't alone.” She said quietly. “I love my job, but… everything else feels wrong. I came on this trip to see if it would fix my fears of getting married. Instead, it solidified them. I don't want to marry Varda. I never wanted to marry Varda… I'm always in her shadow. She’s great and I'm not, or at least, that's what it seems like. I feel so isolated from her… and the worst part is, I keep thinking about you. I can't even have sex with my fiance without thinking of you! She just gave up on touching me unless she wants something… but she keeps telling me she loves me and wants me to be happy. She showers me with gifts and lavish compliments, but when it gets down to the truth… I just think she sees me as a commodity that she can buy loyalty from.” Nila shook her head. “And you know what the worst part is? I'm going to go home and get married, and I'm going to die knowing that I don't mean anything to her.” 

 

“Woah… Nila, that isn't right. You don't have to marry her, especially not if you feel like that.” Melina rubbed her thumb over the top of her hand. “Look… I've known Varda for a while. We met in court, but when I've spoken to her, she's never mentioned you. I didn't know you two were engaged until this afternoon. But she was sure to tell me about her success. Nila… If you really love her, then try to work it out. But for your own sake, don't marry her. Not until you feel better than you do now…” She said quietly. 

 

“Thank you, Melina,” Nila whispered, turning to face her. “It feels good to finally say it out loud.” 

 

“Of course… Things are really going to start changing soon, aren't they?” She asked, swinging her legs in a childlike manner that made Nila smile. 

 

“I think they are… but for the first time, I don't think I'm afraid of the changes. I think… I think for once it might be good. What do you think?”

 

“I guess the same. But I'm worried about you. How will she take the news? Do you think she’s going to be angry?” Melina asked, looking at her quietly. 

 

“Oh, she’ll be angry. But she has a lot of people who care about her to help her through it. Plus… Maybe I can try to work things out. But i'm not sure. Maybe what I really need is to be alone right now. Maybe I can find myself and then decide what I want. After all, it isn't like I have anywhere that I'm really obligated to anymore…” She shrugged. “Maybe I can finally get my pet lizard.” 

 

“You want to hear something funny?” Melina asked. 

 

“Sure.”

 

“I had a pet lizard and a pet hamster, and they both ran away.” 

 

Nila started to laugh. “How the hell did a hamster and a lizard run away from home? I mean, it isn't like they are particularly able to fend for themselves in such a large city.”

 

“I don't know,” Melina said, looking out towards the monument before them. “Sometimes I like to make up stories about them. Maybe they were in love with each other, so they escaped to be together for whatever time they had left. Maybe, being apart for so long, made them realize how much they did love each other. Watching each other through a glass tank for months, until they finally had enough, and decided to run away to be together forever.” She blushed softly. “Is that strange?”

  
“Yes. But the good kind of strange. I like it.” Nila said, watching the clouds. The sun shined down upon the grass, which seemed greener than usual. The fluffy white clouds drifted by, perhaps on their way to find themselves. Or perhaps, on their way to find someone else. Nila swore she could spot a lizard out of the corner of her eye, but if it had been there, it had already scuttled away to a secret hideout where she and her hamster stayed. Nila wished she could find that place of her own.  _ ‘Maybe I'm starting to find it again.’  _ She thought, adjusting as Melina laid her head on her shoulder. For just one moment, Nila felt her heart swell.  _ ‘Yeah… things are definitely going to change.’  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me cry when I was writing it. I hope you all love it as much as I do.


	8. Forget

_ ‘Come on, don't be such a scaredy cat!’ Melina yelled to her partner, bobbing up and down in the illuminated water. _

 

_ ‘Melina, not so loud! Your parents are going to kill us!’ Nila replied in a hushed tone, climbing into the water. She was naked as well, but not by choice. Melina had driven all the way to her house in Cape Cod, where her parents had a mansion by the coast. Melina had come from a long line of successful lawmakers and politicians, extending as far back as the colonization of the U.S. It was no surprise that she was on a journey to become a lawyer. It was also no surprise that they had such a lavish house, with a huge pool, that was just the right temperature for skinny dipping.  _

 

_ ‘Nah, they’re on their nightly pill high. They won't notice anything.’ She replied, swimming over to Nila and kissing her deeply. ‘You’re so beautiful… look at you. Your body is heaven. Do you know how handsome you are?’ She asked huskily, trailing her hand along her backside. “Firm buns.” _

 

_ Nila busted out laughing. “You're such a dweeb.” She splashed her with water, sticking her tongue out.  _

 

_ “Hey! I'll get you for that!” Melina jumped on her, laughing as they rolled about in the water, splashing and kicking until they tired themselves out. They chose to just float, carefully holding each other, suspended in time and space underneath a bed of stars. The sound of the ocean roared in their ears. “Nila? I love you.” She whispered.  _

 

_ “I love you. I love your beautiful body and hair, I love your loud voice, I love the way you dance around our dorm in your underwear and my hoodies. I love everything about you.” Nila kissed her temple. “And most of all, I love this moment. I wish we could stay here forever.” _

 

_ “We can. I know I won't ever forget this night.” Melina stroked her cheek. “And I won't ever forget about you.”  _

 

Waking up after such a dream was a very nice feeling to have, and that was no exception for Nila. She stretched and climbed out of bed, walking to her closet to choose an outfit. After all, Melina was taking her all over the city today. She opted for her usual outfit, but decided to wear a pair of blue converse instead of her oxfords. They were much more comfortable to walk around in. She also chose to wear a matching blue beanie and scarf, covering her ears and neck so that she wouldn't get cold. Meeting Melina in the lobby, she had a hot cup of coffee placed in her hand. “What’s this?” She asked, sipping on it.

 

“Coffee. Caramel swirl, regular. I know you like it iced, but it's far too cold for that. I also got you hashbrowns. You tend to forget to eat.” Melina said, drinking out of her water bottle. Nila noted that she had a small, black backpack. 

 

“Does that have extra water bottles inside of it?” She asked, grinning. 

 

“Yes, it does. Don't think because we had a heartfelt talk I'm ready to put up with you fainting on the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial. Your blood is probably made of iced coffee. I'd be surprised if you've drunk one glass of water since we graduated.” She said, guiding her outside and to the busy sidewalk. “You just have to see the library of congress. Oh, and of course I have to take you to The Capital Grill! It's pricey, but I'll pay for you. We should go to the Smithsonian too! You have enough time to see all the museums. The best one is the air and space museum, because they have a huge planetarium, and they play the cosmos documentaries. I love it. But I'm also pretty fond of the National Gallery of Art. You would love that, I know art is your thing. They have some really cool paintings. We can also go to the monuments. The World War Two memorial is gorgeous in the fall. I want to show you the reflecting pool, too.” Melina chattered on, in love with her city. Nila blushed as she followed along. It was sweet to see her excited. It was even sweeter that she had gotten her coffee and hash browns because her stomach was growling, and she finally had something to eat. 

 

“Where to first?” She asked, stopped at a street corner. “I'm partial to seeing the Congress building and the monuments.” 

 

“Then we can go there! They’re pretty close to each other, so we don't have to worry about walking too far. If you get tired, i'll call a taxi.” She said, crossing the street with her. The sidewalks were condensed, and so Melina was shoved into Nila more than once. Each time, her face would turn red, and she would try to make room. “Sorry.” She murmured, stepping away from her once more. 

 

“Hey, don't worry about it. You keep getting tossed around, you might get stepped on.” Nila said, linking arms with her so she could be the least bit protected.  _ ‘This is out of necessity. You just want to keep her from getting pummeled. You definitely don't want to hold her arm and be close to her. That is definitely not what's happening right now.’  _ She thought. It was partially true, Melina was only 5’2” tall. Her body was curvy, and it held its weight in her thighs and hips. Nila remembered how many times Melina had cried in front of their dorm room mirror over it, but she always thought that she was beautiful, and would tell her this often. A lot of the times, she would make her laugh, by saying she wanted to “take a bite out of her ass”. In comparison, Nila was taller than her, but average sized for someone of her descent. She was 5’8”, with long, smooth limbs, and a certain grace about her step. She would always pull at the skin under her neck, but Melina would take her hands and kiss them until they were laying down, and her sweet lips were peppering her jaw. They complimented each other, as perfect opposites, like puzzle pieces. It was cliche, but true. 

 

“Nila!” Melina yanked on her arm, pulling her back into reality. She had damn near walked into a pole. “You big dingus, what're you doing? You could have cracked your face open!” She exclaimed, grabbing her cheeks and holding them, all while standing on her tiptoes. “Did you get hurt?”

Nila blushed, staring at the beautiful woman in front of her. She was so cute, even when she was scolding her for being a “dingus”. Her hands felt nice on her cold cheeks, they were so warm and soft. She glanced down and looked at her top, smiling when her eyes landed on her chest. Her buttons were nearly popped open from the strain of being on her toes. “Huh…?” 

 

Melina dropped her hands and rolled her eyes. “You’re fine. Let's go.” She walked beside her again. 

 

Nila followed, smiling softly as Melina led her to the Congress building. The sky was overcast, and the wind blew across the grass and through the trees, rustling the leaves. “This is beautiful, Melina…” Nila whispered, watching her ascend the stairs. 

 

“I know. It's gorgeous…” She smiled and turned to face her. “I just love the scenery here. There isn't much to see, though.” She turned to look out at the people, sitting down on a bench. Her eyes were glowing, even sparkling with love for the community around her. “I love it here, Nila. But I miss Boston.”

 

“Yeah? I do too.” She sat beside her, watching the people trot past. “You know… I always dreamt of having a house by Cape Cod. Not where your parents lived, but close. A nice little house with a wraparound porch, by the seagrass. I could hear the ocean from it, and watch the waves. But I want it close enough to get to Boston. I like the restaurants and the city itself. Of course, I could go back to Cambridge, too.” She smiled gently. 

 

“That's a nice dream. I've always wanted to go back there, too. But I really want to go on vacation soon.” Melina said, swinging her legs.

 

“Where to?”

 

“I want to go to Disneyworld. I know it's lame, but I've never been there. I want to go before Christmas so I can see all the pretty lights and hear the happy songs. I want to meet my favorite princesses, too.” She smiled happily.

 

“Rapunzel.” Nila said, looking over at her. 

 

“Yeah! How did you remember?” Melina asked, smiling. 

 

“Well, I remember seeing it in the anniversary release in theaters with you. I remember you singing along with the movie, and you wore that cute little dress. It was purple and it had a yellow sun embroidered on the skirt.” She explained. “Your singing voice was beautiful. You should sing more often.” She watched her, smiling as she blushed and looked away. The wind blew again, causing her to shiver. “You’re cold. Here.” She took off her blue knitted scarf and wrapped it around her neck. 

 

“Thank you…” She shut her eyes, leaning her head down to smell the perfume lingering on the scarf. “You’re still so kind to me… How do you do it?” 

 

“It isn't as if it's a hard task… I care about you, you know? We made up. It's okay now.” Nila answered, standing up. “Now, I would love to go see the planetarium. Can you show it to me?” 

 

“Oh! Of course, let's go!” She stood up and grabbed her hand, rushing towards the Smithsonian museum. Nila grabbed her hand tighter and smiled, letting herself go. She was happy here, for once. The stress of her current relationship seemed to fade away, as she spent the day with the person she felt cared about her the most. As they toured the museum, Melina pulled her into the planetarium. “Look at this…” She gestured to the dome above them, covered in millions of stars. Galaxies swirled around, as a voice explained the possibilities of the cosmos. “Lay down here.” She took her to a large aisle, laying in the middle of it and staring. 

 

“Why don't we sit in a seat?” Nila asked, sitting down anyways. 

 

“Because if you lay on your back, you forget your problems. You can look around and think about the galaxies and pretend that you’re floating in space.” Melina explained, smiling. Nila laid beside her, gasping at the beauty above them. 

 

“Wow… this is beautiful, Melina. Thank you for sharing this with me.” She whispered, smiling. 

 

“Of course… sometimes, we need to forget.” Melina said. 

 

Nila could only nod in response. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene reminds me of the episode of Bojack Horseman, when Sarah Lynn and Bojack visit the planetarium.


	9. Karaoke

As though to end a perfect moment, Nila’s phone rang incessantly. She groaned and sat up in the otherwise empty planetarium, seldom for her ex-lover beside her. “It’s Varda… I have to take this.” She said, standing and walking to the hallway to enter the room. “Hello?”

 

“Hello, love. How are you?” Varda asked her, her voice laced with slight annoyance. Nila realized she had not called her in two days or responded to any of her text messages. “You must be very busy.” 

 

“Oh yeah, I am… I'm really busy. I'm sightseeing today, though. It's really nice here, Varda, I'm having a lot of fun.” She said, smiling a bit. 

 

“Oh? Well, maybe you can come home early. I miss you.” Varda said, humming. “I pushed the wedding to next week. It was easier for the caterers and the guests.” She mentioned, as casually as she spoke of what she made for dinner that evening. 

 

“You what?!” Nila exclaimed, her chest tightening. “You can't just do that, Varda! You have to ask me first, what are you thinking?!” 

 

“I thought that it wouldn't matter! Why are you so upset about it, anyway? Don't you want to get married as soon as possible?” Varda huffed. “Unless… you’re having doubts?” 

 

“No, that isn't what this is about! You go behind my back and make decisions that you think are right for me when in reality, they are what  _ you  _ want! It's ridiculous, I'm not a child, Varda. You don't control my choices, and I don't appreciate that you went off and did this without even a mention to me!” She yelled, fuming with rage.

 

“I thought you would be excited…” She murmured. “Why are you yelling at me?” Her voice cracked softly, as she began to cry. “I thought you would be happy with me, but you’re just angry…” 

 

Nila sighed, rubbing her temple. “I won't let you guilt me into feeling bad about this, Varda. I've had a lot of time to think and… maybe you should pull the deposit on the venue. I don't know if this is going to work out right now. We need to talk when I get back, but not until I'm home. I'm sorry. I love you.” She hung up before Varda could say anything else. Looking up, she noticed Melina had approached her. 

 

“Hey… Are you alright?” She asked softly, touching her arm. 

 

“Melina… I don't know whats wrong with me. I thought I loved her, but now… I realize there's a lot of resentment in my heart. I can't think of her without getting irritated. I don't think I love her anymore, Melina…” She said quietly. “I'm going to break her heart. She’ll be devastated. No matter how many people support and care for her, it's still going to crush her. I still care about her, though, how could I not?” 

“Nila… I think it's sweet that you care about her and want to protect her, but you have to put yourself first. Don't marry someone you don't love… you'll hurt her even more in the end, and it'll hurt you, too.” Melina reached up and brushed the hair from her eyes. 

 

“I suppose that you’re right… I have to tell her in person. I don't know where I'll go after this… but thank you. Your help means a lot to me. I'm surprised you're even willing to do it, after our history.” 

 

“Nila… I forgive you for that. It's okay… I've accepted the past a long time ago. I used to be bitter, but I'm not anymore. I'm happy that you spoke to me here, even though seeing you hurt a bit at first.” She smiled softly. “Come on. You need a drink, and I know the best place to go for it. I'll get you your favorite.” 

 

“You still remember my favorite drink?” Nila asked as she was pulled from the planetarium to the exit. “How do you still remember that?” 

 

“Because I drink it all the time. Gin and tonic, with mint.” She laughed. “You really don't change, Nila.” 

 

“So you've said.” She rolled her eyes and walked beside her, towards the city. As they continued to walk, they passed some shady areas, until they came upon a small bar called “recessions”. Entering, the bartender waved to Melina. “Do you come here often?” Nila asked. 

 

“Yeah, I do. Usually, after work, it's the only place that's still open.” She went to the bar and sat down on the stool, having to wiggle a bit to be situated since it was quite tall. Nila suppressed a laugh and climbed beside her. “Its karaoke night, Nila. You should sing something.” She grinned, ordering their drinks.

 

“What? No way! You should sing something, you’re actually good at it.” 

 

“Aw, come on! How about a duet?” Melina giggled, sipping on her gin and tonic through a tiny straw. 

 

“No.” Nila shook her head, taking a drink. “Not in a million years.” 

 

“You never change.” 

 

The conversation was dropped for a while, in favor of watching some of the patron's sing. Most were good, while some were very intoxicated. Nila found it more interesting to watch the sober performers, but Melina tended to favor the more intoxicated individuals. They went through multiple drinks and took two shots when one of the patrons bought everyone in the bar a round. Needless to say, both lawyers were not feeling much at the moment. 

 

“Hold my drink.” Melina got up and held it out to Nila. “I'm gonna sing a song.” She wobbled her way up to the microphone, requesting her song, despite Nila’s half-hearted protests.

 

“This song goes out to my girl Nila Eileen.” She grinned, obnoxiously laughing as the intro chords of “Come on Eileen” started blasting through the speakers. Melina grabbed the microphone and winked at the guys who whistled at her, singing along with Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Nila blushed with embarrassment, as the eyes in the room went to her, brought on by obnoxious pointing and the fact that Melina was slowly making her way over to her. 

 

_ ‘Its either she makes a fool of me, or I make it of myself.’  _ Nila thought, finding her feet.  _ ‘What could it hurt?’  _ She stood up, stumbling only slightly over to her. She knew the song by heart, after all, Melina had sung it at least one hundred times to her in the past. A familiar feeling rose up in her heart, a bubbly happiness that always came with this song, especially when Melina sang it to her. In a moment she was singing along with her, grinning, dancing around the room like a fool. Melina looked shocked, but after a moment, she was back to her drunken antics. Nila’s feet moved pretty well for being that intoxicated, and she noticed how Melina would swing her hips. She put her hands on them and laughed, their bodies pressed together, microphone between their lips. Equally intoxicated patrons were cheering, or singing, or drinking again. For a brief moment, as Nila stared at the woman pressed against her, she felt her heart swell in her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around her and kissing the corner of her mouth. The song had ended, and they were still pressed together, blushing. “I… I didn't mean to kiss you…” Nila stammered.

 

Melina leaned up and carefully pressed her lips to Nila’s, as Piano Man started to play in the background. She tasted like alcohol, her lips were sweet, and her cheeks were wet with tears she did not realize she was shedding. Nila stood there, wrapping her arms tightly around her body, as the woman placed her head on her chest and shut her eyes. Even if this moment could only last for a night, she would take it. It was the first kiss that felt real in almost ten years, and it was the sweetest feeling she could have. 

 

“I love you, Melina.” 

 

“I love you, Nila Eileen.” 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im in love with this chapter. It makes my heart happy.


	10. Hangover

_ It had started off as a joke. When Melina had found out her girlfriend’s middle name was Eileen, she had only mentioned the song once or twice, when she was teasing her. But now, it had turned into a regular occurrence. Any time they entered a bar or club, regardless of how sketchy it had been, Melina would sing that song to her every single time. Nila was so embarrassed. But, even though she would not admit it, she found the song to become more and more endearing.  _

 

_ “I'm going to sing,” Melina said, smiling, as they sat together in a bar down the street from the municipal library. It was late, probably past midnight, and neither girl was quite sober. “I'm going to sing to you.”  _

 

_ “Alright, Melina. Go ahead.” Nila watched her step up to the microphone, as the cords started to play from large speakers. Nothing but pure awe overtook the defense lawyer, as she watched her lover sing to her once again. Every time, she managed to surprise her, as she sang out her notes with grace and charisma. Or as Nila liked to think, sang out of love, that oozed and pooled on the floors, filled ears and nostrils, and hearts, suffocating each and every person in a brief and fleeting puddle of Melina’s voice.  _

 

Nila opened her eyes and groaned, glancing around the room she was in. It was dark and unfamiliar. Her limbs felt heavy, but the pounding in her skull was even worse. “Where… where am I?” She asked, her voice hoarse. She could not remember much from the night before, she just remembered Melina taking her to the bar, singing to her, the kiss. Her eyes widened for a moment, as she quickly looked beside her, seeing Melina laying half-naked on top of the blankets. Glancing down at herself, she sighed in relief when she found her clothes from the night before were still on. That was the last thing she needed right now. Standing up, she took a moment to breathe, hoping the throb in her temple would die down. Flexing her toes, she felt the lush, soft carpet underneath, covering the hardwood floor. The room was huge, with curtains that covered tall windows. Cream colored walls complimented the dark furniture, including a black couch and coffee table situated near the entrance to what she assumed was the bathroom. Her assumptions were confirmed when she opened the door, to a huge black and white bathroom with a bathtub large enough for two to comfortably fit, situated beside a tall, waterfall shower.  _ ‘Well, I suppose she wouldn't mind if I used her shower.’  _ She thought to herself, shutting the door quietly as not to wake Melina. She undressed and stepped into the shower, browsing the large selection of fancy soaps. Taking full advantage of what the extravagant lawyer had collected, she washed herself off, then dried with a plush towel. She found a robe and slipped it on, folding her clothes neatly and finger combing her hair back as she walked back into the bedroom. Melina was still sleeping, her eyes shut and face peaceful. Nila tucked her in and walked out of the room, shutting the door quietly.  _ ‘I suppose I could make breakfast and coffee for her.’  _ She thought, walking downstairs. The house was just as extravagant as the bedroom, with the same color pallet as the bedroom. It must have been pretty far outside of DC because there were quite a few trees that shown outside the window. The kitchen was attached to a wrap-around patio, with a few rocking chairs that faced the woods outside. Nila opened a cabinet to find the coffee, and after a few tries came across the things she was looking for. She brewed it in the pot and searched for pans, then grabbed a carton of eggs and the bread from the cabinet beside the coffee. She took a small amount of aspirin that she found above the sink, to cure her headache, and waited for the eggs to cook in quiet contentment. Above her, she could hear shuffling.  _ ‘Melina’s awake.’  _ A few moments later, she heard little footsteps on the stairs, followed by a quiet sniffle. 

 

“Melina?” She called softly. 

 

“Oh, Nila.” She smiled in relief, rubbing her eyes. She was in her underwear, with a baggy t-shirt that Nila had seen draped over the bedpost. 

 

“Is that my t-shirt from college?” Nila wondered aloud, walking over. “It is. You kept that all this time?” 

 

Melina looked at her quietly, her eyes misty. “I… yeah.” She whispered. 

 

“Hey, what's the matter?” She asked her, taking her chin between her thumb and forefinger. 

 

“I thought… you left. I thought I wouldn't get to say goodbye.” Melina answered, shutting her eyes tightly and balling her fists at her sides. 

 

“Oh, Melina. I just went to make breakfast, that's all.” Nila said, turning to the eggs and shutting off the burner. She opened her arms and held her gently, stroking her hair with a gentle hand. “Look… I don't think this is going to be the last time you see me ever. I don't know how things are going to go with Varda… But I want to visit you regardless. I'd like to have you back in my life, Melina.” 

 

The prosecutor started to cry, inconsolably against her chest. Her wails were loud and deep, as she gripped onto the robe as though Nila would disappear if she let go. “I want that too!”

 

Nila was shocked, before she smiled quietly, continuing to pet her hair. “You’re so silly…” She whispered in her ear, keeping her arms tightly around her. Her wails slowly died down, until she pulled back, wiping her eyes on her arm. Nila continued to hold her until she was calmed down. “You feel better?”

 

“Yeah… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.” Melina whispered. 

 

“Don't apologize for how you feel,” Nila said, turning to the stove and putting the eggs and toast on a plate for her and setting it on the table. She poured two cups of coffee and sat down. “Let's have breakfast. I'm pretty hungover and I would love to eat some greasy eggs.” 

 

Melina laughed quietly. “Yeah, okay.” She sat down and began to eat. They coexisted for nearly a half an hour, eating and dozing off in their chairs until Nila finally spoke up. 

 

“Your house is beautiful. Is it far from the city? I can't remember how I got here.” She admitted sheepishly. 

 

“Yes, its pretty far. We ran into someone from my law firm and they drove us here because we were both pretty intoxicated. It was actually pretty kind, he drove my car and his friend followed to pick him up. You tried to tip him because you thought he was a cab driver, but when he said he was a lawyer, you told him he was your new son and you were proud of him.” 

 

“Oh, really?” Nila laughed, blushing in embarrassment. “Well, at least I was nice. Did I miss anything else important?” 

 

Melina looked at her for a moment, her eyebrows knitted with concern for just a moment. “Er… no. That's all. We went straight to bed.” 

 

“You look like you’re lying. What happened?” 

 

“Well… You kept kissing me and telling me that you missed me. You held my hand and sat me on your lap too, and then you carried me to my bedroom and undressed me to my underwear and kept kissing me. But then… you stopped, and you told me you couldn't do this. You said you needed to leave, and then you said you felt like… like you were a failure and that you didn't deserve love. You started crying and then you fell asleep on me.” 

 

“Oh, fuck…” Nila whispered. “I'm so sorry. Melina, I am so sorry. I really shouldn't have done that.” Her stomach twisted with nerves. 

 

“It's okay, Nila. I forgive you. I was just… worried. The way you were talking was so scary. I'm worried about you.” 

 

“No, Melina, I promise I'll be okay. I was drunk and stressed out, this week has been a roller coaster of emotions.” The defense lawyer explained. “I promise I'll be alright… but I should be getting back to the hotel when we’re done. I'm going home early so I can take care of this problem with Varda.” 

 

“Oh… Okay.” Melina nodded, standing. “I'm going to shower and get dressed. You can wear one of my outfits back, okay? I'll lay it out on the bed.” 

 

“Okay, thank you.” She whispered, standing and following her upstairs. As Melina got in the shower, she dressed in a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. It smelled like her perfume. Nila sighed and checked her phone, to find that she had over 20 text messages, 7 missed calls, and 3 voicemails from Varda. Sighing, she deleted them all, and simply answered her frantic texts. 

 

_ ‘I'm coming home today. We can talk then.’ _

 

She locked her phone and tossed it into her bag. As soon as Melina was out of the shower and dressed, they got into her car and went to the hotel. “So… do you promise you’ll come visit me? Or I could always come and visit you.” Melina said, tossing her phone into her lap. “Here, text yourself off of my phone so I have your number. I won't lose you again.” 

 

“Can't get enough of me, huh?” Nila asked, grinning. 

 

“What- of course not, you twit!” Melina huffed, blushing. 

 

“I'm kidding. I promise I'll come see you. Maybe we can go visit the campus again sometime. We can go back to that eccentric little bar you liked so much.” Nila smiled and put her number on her phone. When they arrived in front of her hotel, she looked over. “Well… I suppose this is it for now. I owe you a lot. This changed my life… and I'm glad I found you again.” 

 

“Don't mention it.” The prosecutor winked, getting out and opening her door. They shared a strong hug, as Nila caught another whiff of her perfume. She savored the moment, their bodies together, and their arms intertwined. It was a feeling she wanted to keep in her heart and mind forever. It made her feel as though she could do anything, which was the confidence she needed for the task she was going to pull off with Varda. 

 

“This isn't goodbye. It's only the beginning.” Nila smiled.

 

Melina nodded, smiling at her. “See you soon, Nila.” 

 

“See you.” She waved goodbye, walking through the doors and to the elevator. She rode up to her room, collecting her clothes and packing it away. Leaving a tip for the maid, she pulled her luggage out the door, putting it in the back of the rental as the valet pulled up to her. Nila climbed into the driver's seat and went to the airport, returning the car, buying her ticket, and loading onto the plane to go back to New York for what she hoped would be the last time. 

 

It was seven o’clock when the cab pulled in front of the apartment building, that now felt more foreign than a hotel room. She rode the elevator up, pulling her suitcase into the bedroom. The sheets were a mess, and in the middle was her fiance, asleep in Nila’s pajamas. She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. “Varda…” 

 

“Nila...?” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize now that Nila gets drunk every other chapter.


	11. Breakup

Varda opened her eyes slowly, though she seemed as if she had not slept in days. Her hair was oily, her nails had been chewed clean off. She did not smell pleasant, either, and Nila found it to be nearly unbearable to watch her. 

 

“You came back… I thought you had gone forever.” Varda whispered, hugging her tightly. “I'm sorry, Nila, please take me back. I canceled the wedding. I'm sorry I moved it in the first place, everything is done now. We can just be happy together, we can do this.” She said, her voice wavering, but hopeful. 

 

“Varda… I don't think this is going to work. I had some time to think while I was at the conference, and… I've always had my doubts about this wedding. I don't think I'm ready to get married. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get married…” 

 

“That's okay!” Varda exclaimed. “We don't have to get married, Nila! We can just be together, we can be happy like that. I know we can. Please…” she tightened her grip on her shirt. 

 

“I'm sorry, Varda. I ran into Melina while I was there… she was at the conference. Seeing her again brought up some really old feelings that I thought were gone… But I realized that this isn't the life I want to have. I don't want to be married to someone with charm and fame such as yours. I don't want to always be in your shadow, Varda!” 

 

“But I… I can't help that people know who I am. I keep trying to support you. I keep trying to make you feel important, but you always push me away!” Varda cried, sitting up straighter. “I want to be happy with you, can't you see I'm trying to change? Can't you see I'm trying to make you feel better? I just want to love you!” 

 

“Don't act innocent! You know how I feel, Varda. I've told you plenty of times, but you refuse to change. It's too late now…” She whispered. “It isn't just you. I don't think I… I don't think I love you anymore, Varda. I'm sorry. But I'll be moving out soon.” She stood up. “I'm sorry. I'll be taking my things and leaving by the end of the week.” Nila explained. 

 

Varda began to weep. “No, no… Please don't leave me. I don't want to be left alone. You make me happy, please don't leave me, Nila. I love you.” 

 

“I'm sorry, Varda. It has to be done. I don't love you anymore. It isn't right for me to continue to put you through this. I'm sorry, but I just… I won't give in.” Nila murmured, wiping her eyes. It was not easy to leave Varda behind, but she did not want to remain in a situation where she was unhappy. Being with Melina made her realize that, at the very least, she would rather be content and alone than together and unhappy. She left the room and tried to drown out the sobs by calling Melina. 

 

“Nila? It's late… what's the matter?” Melina asked softly. 

 

“I just broke up with Varda and I… I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go, I'm scared.” She whispered, tears flowing down her face. “I'm scared, Melina, I'm so scared…” 

 

“Oh, Nila… I'm sorry. It's going to be alright. You made the right decision for you… do you have any friends you can stay with? Perhaps someone you work with, just until you can get a new apartment?” 

 

“I… My boss’ assistant. She’s pretty kind, I bet I could stay with her.” She said, rubbing her arms. “I have to pack…” 

 

“Okay, Nila. Call me when you’re out, I want to make sure that you're okay.” Melina said, hanging up. 

 

Nila sighed and rubbed her temples. She placed a call to Doli, Linnea’s assistant, and arranged for her to come pick her up. Doli was a comforting friend, who was quiet, but a great listener. She asked no questions when Nila called, which led her to believe that Varda had already told those at the office what happened while she was in DC. Which meant that Linnea and Xanthe knew, which made her stomach do a backflip. She tried to drown her thoughts as she packed her clothes. It made her realize just how little she had. A week’s worth of pants, some workout gear, a few blouses and button-ups, two sweaters, some sweatshirts, pajamas, and other undergarments she would need. She had her makeup kit, a toothbrush, and a hair comb. 

 

“You can take anything you would need,” Varda whispered, standing in the doorway. She still had Nila’s top on, shaking softly. “You can have some of the furniture. I don't want you to be without a bed.” She wiped at her eyes. 

 

“Thank you… I appreciate that, Varda.” Nila said. “I'll be staying with Doli and Marigold while I find a place to live.” She took her favorite blanket and pillow. “I'll pick up some furniture later on.” 

 

“Alright…” Varda turned and walked into the bedroom, shutting the door. 

 

Nila sighed and sat on the couch, waiting anxiously for Doli to arrive. When her little black car pulled into the driveway, she opened the front door and greeted them quietly. “Hey, Doli… I really appreciate what you're doing for me. I know we aren't the closest of friends…” 

 

“Hush,” Doli said, her voice threatening to float away on the wind. Marigold eyed Nila, but lifted her bags into the back, with some help from her girlfriend. The two assistants were dating, which both of their bosses found comical at the least. Each had trained as ballerinas but had earned their degrees in business as to have a financially stable life. Nila was instructed to sit in the backseat, as Marigold drove Doli’s car to their small and cozy home in the suburbs of New York. The house was white, with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen, and a dining room. They had converted the extra room on the first floor into a dance studio, so that they may practice their ballot for the shows they perform in twice a year. “Welcome,” Doli said, opening the front door. 

 

“You can stay in the guest room on the second floor. I'll help you carry your bags, I guess.” Marigold said, her nasal voice sounding slightly annoyed that she had to be bothered with carrying her things upstairs. Of course, it was late at night. Both women had come to get her in their pajamas. 

 

“Okay. Thank you again, this means a lot to me.” Nila was sure to express her gratitude to her hosts. She carried most of her things to the room, which had surprising decor. The walls were painted light blue, in contrast with the cream-colored wooden furniture. There was a white metal bed, covered by a floral print quilt. Faux flowers sat in a vase beside an antique clock on the table, while the vanity held a music box with a ballerina inside. A stuffed bunny was resting on the bed, and Doli discreetly picked it up, leaving the room with it. 

 

“The bathroom is the door to your right. There are extra blankets in the closet, and if you need us, just… ask. Goodnight.” Marigold left the room quietly. Melina took the chance to change into her comfortable pajamas, turning the bed down and walking into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. The bathroom was simple, with a yellow and blue color scheme that made her smile. Both Marigold and Doli dressed like their superiors, Doli matching Linnea’s cool, flowing blues, and Marigold matching Xanthe’s sharp, bright yellows. Their house seemed to mirror that look. Nila cleaned up and went back to the bedroom, texting Melina. 

 

_ ‘Just got settled in at my friends' place. Thanks for talking with me.’  _

 

Not even a moment later, she received a text. 

 

_ ‘Of course. I'm glad you’re safe. I'm proud of you. Get some sleep.’ _

 

Nila smiled and plugged her phone in. She glanced over at the door and almost screamed when she saw Doli standing there. “O-oh, Doli! You scared me…” She laughed nervously. 

 

“Sorry.” She walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I know you must feel very sad right now. Marigold and I are here to help you.” Her voice was quiet, like a twinkling of a bell in the air. Nila had never heard her speak more than a sentence before. 

 

“Thank you, Doli…” She smiled. Doli nodded and left the room, closing the door behind herself. Nila laid down and shut her eyes, sighing. She was exhausted, and for once, was too tired to think. Sleep overtook her, curled under the homemade quilt of her distant friend. She felt more at home than she had in a long time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breakups are so rough.


	12. Club

The patter of feet woke Nila up, and she could faintly hear the sound of music wafting up the stairs. Rolling over, she saw it was almost one in the afternoon.  _ ‘I slept for that long?’  _ She thought, groaning and sitting up. Her head ached, her legs felt weak, and she just wanted to sleep, but she figured it would not be polite to spend her first day at Doli and Marigold’s home sleeping. Her phone had no new messages, which she found surprising, especially because of the state she left Varda in. She tried to pretend she was not disappointed that Melina had not sent her any messages while she was asleep, and grabbed her bag of toiletries, heading to the bathroom to shower. Even while she was showering, she could hear the steady thumping of bodies, and she blushed.  _ ‘How distasteful… it's one in the afternoon and they’re having sex?’  _ She shook her head and dried off, getting dressed for the day. Then, she made her way downstairs. “Marigold? Doli?” The music was drifting from the converted dance studio, and Nila inwardly kicked herself for thinking these two were doing something less innocent. As she pushed the door open, she saw Doli and Marigold performing a dance of grace with each other. Their movements, which were the same but mirrored, flowed with elegance and dignity, though the women could not be more opposite. Marigold looked tiny in her leotard, though she was tall and slender, her toned muscle and protruding bones made it obvious that she was simply born that way. Doli, on the other hand, was short and soft. Her thighs, unlike that of her counterpart, jiggled softly as she moved in perfect time. Marigold was extremely protective of her girlfriend, as Doli was at the end of the critics' pens in the ballet world. They only danced together, in an act that was meant to be perfect opposites. Nila had seen one of their shows before (the name of which she could not remember), where they had been portrayed as night and day. It was cliche, to be honest, but their performance was gorgeous to watch. Varda had cried when she watched it. 

 

“Well, good morning, sleeping beauty.” Marigold interrupted her thoughts, with a smile. 

 

“Oh, hello.” Nila blushed. “Your dancing is gorgeous, by the way.” 

 

“Thank you. We practice every morning before and after work and twice on weekends.” She seemed quite proud of their training regimens. Their interaction was interrupted, though, when the sound of a growling stomach cut into the room. 

 

“I'm hungry,” Doli whined, hugging her midsection. 

 

“Oh, then we should take a break. I bet Nila is hungry too.” Marigold said, looping her arm through Doli’s and strolling to the kitchen. “I'll make sandwiches. Is that okay, Nila?” 

 

“That sounds wonderful. I'll help set the table.” Nila said, hurrying over to the cabinets to find plates. She felt like she had to prove her own since they had taken her in for an uncertain amount of time, and on such short notice. Both women seemed to let her, silent, but thankful for her help. Marigold set the sandwiches on the plates, handing out bottles of water to both women at the table. “Sorry, Nila. We don't drink coffee here. It upsets Doli’s tummy and it makes me even more stressed than usual. We have tea, though.” 

“Water is fine, thanks.” She said, inwardly crying because she did not have her precious coffee for the day. Instead, she took a sip of water and bit into her sandwich. All three sat in quiet company, eating and resting together. It had been a while since all three of them had been in the same room together. At work, the assistants were always out doing business for their demanding bosses. When they were actually in the office, they were answering phones or writing papers or trying to calm their superiors down while they had one of their weekly breakdowns. If it was not for them, the whole company would fall apart. Nila could respect that, especially because they never got any thanks for their tiresome jobs. After a while of daydreaming, Doli spoke up. 

 

“We should go to the club tonight.” She smiled, hiding behind her hair. Marigold nearly choked on her food.

 

“The club?! But why? Nila just broke up with her fiance… please, darling, don't be insensitive.” She pleaded, though her intentions were sincere. Marigold had never been a fan of the club scene, but Doli turned into a whole other person in a place that busy and loud. The assistant also knew that Nila tended to drink  _ a lot  _ when she was out, and she was not quite ready to haul a possible crying woman who was nearly a head taller than her out of a sketchy, loud club. 

 

“No,” Nila let herself grin. “We should. I'm single, and I haven't been single since high school. What could it hurt? Sulking won't do me any good.” 

 

Doli giggled, and Marigold nervously flitted her hands in her lap. This would be an interesting night, especially if Doli came up with the idea. She was always the wildest ideas, even if she was quiet. 

 

“Ugh… I suppose I'm not winning this situation. Fine then, we can go out. But I'm not going to be the only designated driver. Since you’re staying here, Nila, I want you to be in charge. I can't handle you being drunk along with Doli.” Marigold hummed. “So we both get to watch Doli tonight, okay?” 

 

Nila sighed. She would rather be drunk, but it would be nice to simply get out. “Sounds good.” 

 

“Let's get our outfits chosen,” Doli said, smiling softly at them both. “I bet we can use some of your clothes for Nila, right?” She turned to Marigold. “You wouldn't mind?” 

 

“Of course I wouldn't mind. I have some old dance costumes I'm sure could work for club wear. They should fit.” Marigold smiled, standing up. “You two go look. Ill clean up down here.”

 

“Okay, love.” Doli smiled, kissing her as she padded upstairs. Nila followed her and entered their bedroom. It was similar to the guest room, except with many more pictures inhabiting the walls. They had mismatched frames, but somehow, it seemed to be more charming that way. The bedspread was floral, a mixture of yellow and blue, with plenty of pillows to match. The bunny that Nila had seen on her bed was now in the pile of pillows on the bed. 

 

“Oh, I love your bunny.” She said, smiling softly. 

 

Doli blushed softly. “Thank you. My dad gave it to me after I won my first ballet competition. I suppose it might be childish to hold onto it, but…” 

 

“No, that isn't childish.” Nila touched her arm. “Sometimes you need to hold on to the things that make you feel happy. I still have a shirt from college that belonged to my ex-girlfriend. It makes me happy to hold onto that too.” 

 

“Well, that makes me feel better… let's pick out your outfit.” She smiled softly, opening up the doors to their closet. An array of colors popped into view, as dresses, tops, shorts, and skirts of all kinds hung neatly, organized by color and type. “Go ahead and look through. Some of the clothes are mine, others are Marigolds. You can pick.”

 

“Thank you.” Nila smiled, beginning to search for the clothes. She found a pair of black, high waisted shorts, with silver buttons along each side. Her eyes were caught by a sleeveless, white top with black buttons down the front. “I like this outfit.” She declared, smiling at Doli. 

 

“I do, too. You should wear these underneath.” She opened up a drawer in the chest beside the closet door, pulling out a pair of fishnet tights. “Here you go. This will look nice on you.”

 

“F-fishnet tights? Aren't those … someone of your age?” Nila asked, blushing.

 

“Of course not.” The young assistant smiled. “Marigold can do your makeup later on. We have to practice and then shower.” She turned and walked out. “You can use the TV or laptop if you want to.” She took the outfit to the guest room and laid it on the bed, going downstairs to practice and leaving Nila on her own for a few hours. The defense lawyer decided it was best to relax, and so she laid on the couch in the living room and watched a few hours worth of TV to pass the time. The mindless shows managed to put her to sleep. 

 

After almost five hours worth of a nap, Marigold woke her up by rubbing her arm. “Hey, Nila. Doli wants us to get ready so we can have dinner before we go out to the club.” 

 

“Oh… okay. She mentioned earlier that you were going to do my makeup?”

 

“Yeah, I will. Come on, it's all upstairs.” Marigold took her into the bathroom. Nila grabbed her makeup from her bags and gave it to the assistant, who began to perform a miracle on her face. It took her nearly an hour to “fully prepare” her face (or at least, that was what she called it). “Okay, we’re done. Look in the mirror and tell me what you think.” 

Nila gasped when she saw herself. She looked bright and happy, her dark circles concealed under makeup. Her cheekbones looked sharp, and she had even managed to make her lips look good by smearing them with deep, blue lipstick. “I look… So pretty.” She fluttered her eyelashes and smiled. “Thank you, Marigold!” 

 

“Don't sweat it.” The assistant smiled. “You should get dressed now. Doli is probably ready.” She walked into her bedroom, whistling behind the closed door as she saw her girlfriend. Nila chuckled and dressed in the guest room, walking into the hall. The pair was standing there, in similar outfits, waiting for her. Marigold had on skin-tight pleather pants, with a velvet tank top tucked into the high waist. She had golden heels on her feet, making her even taller than she usually was. Doli had on a short, blue dress, that hugged her curves and bumps delightfully. Her bangs were held back by a sparkly blue bow. “Ready to go?” Marigold smiled. 

 

“Yeah, I'm starving.” Nila grinned and walked to their car, getting in. They drove to the subway station, then rode into the heart of the city. A taxi took them to a nice restaurant, where they enjoyed grilled chicken, bisque, and cake for dessert. Doli seemed content there, happy to eat in the company of her friends, and Nila felt the same way. Even Marigold seemed to be having fun, but they were all growing ancy. The mood of the room, the way the music played, and the way Doli tipped back her drinks was making everyone ready to get out and go to the club. They wasted no time paying their bill, leaving a tip and walking down the street toward the sound of pulsing music. Nila could feel it in her chest as they approached. “Oh, look at the line…” She murmured, deflating a bit. 

 

“Don't worry about it.” Doli hummed, walking past the line, the bouncers, and the doors of the club. She waved them on to follow her, and both women scurried there, grinning like kids. They lost the grins, though, when they entered the room. It was giant, with huge pulsing pillars of neon light filled with water. Bodies were packed tight, moving in a pool of rocking hips like a snake through grass. Nila felt her stomach twist, but her mind was full of music and her nose was full of the smell of alcohol and hookah. The air was electric, her heart beat fast in her chest, and she felt herself detaching entirely. Doli was already rocking her body against Marigold, her arms wrapped around her neck and her face upturned. She looked as though she were in a moment of pure bliss. Nila waited for it to die down, but it only seemed to grow, as both women ground and rocked on each other without any care of what they looked like. She pushed her way through the crowd to the bar, taking a much-needed shot. She had promised Marigold she would not drink, but this place was too much for her overwhelmed senses. The one measly shot did not help as much as she thought, though, and so she took two (or three) more. Then, the lawyer turned to the crowd, taking a deep breath. Was it fair to Varda for her to move on to someone this fast? But this was not even moving on, a one night stand meant nothing. Hell, who said she was even going to sleep with someone? Dancing never killed anybody, after all. 

  
_ ‘Become one with the crowd. Let yourself go. Let yourself be touched without consequence.’  _ She thought as she stepped out into the ocean of bodies, letting herself drown in electricity. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suggest reading this chapter while listening to some vaporwave. I got my inspiration from a mix of macintosh plus.


	13. Friendship

The sound of pulsing music was thumping in her ears, as bodies rocked and banged into each other without a sense of grace. Neon glow filled her eyes, as her mind caught up with her head. Everything seemed to be floating, far away from reality, but Nila was crashing fast. Her eyes scanned the crowd, searching for Doli and Marigold, though everyone had begun to blend in with each other. She felt herself slipping, farther into the bright lights and pulsing sounds of the room. Her body ached, her feet were throbbing. How much alcohol had she consumed in the last… how many hours had she been here? 

 

“Nila!” A voice called to her, as she was grabbed lightly by the sleeve of her shirt and pulled through the crowd. Her feet stumbled and her legs wobbled as she went without resistance, into the cold night. Marigold was standing there, her makeup smeared across her face, hair sticking to her forehead from sweat. Doli was leaning on her, about to pass out, and her shoes were missing. Nila noticed, vaguely, that her top was open, exposing her midsection and bra. Her hands floated to fix it, and she fumbled with the buttons. However, by the time that she managed to get them closed again, she found herself back at their home. How long had it been? She could have sworn she was just in the taxi. 

 

“Marigold…” Nila whispered, wavering where she stood, wilting like a flower in the fall. “What happened?”

 

“We can talk in the morning.” Marigold helped her change into a nightgown, sighing as she got makeup wipes to clean the gunk from her face. Nila made no effort to help, as her mind swam with colors, lights, and a continuous thumping beat that seemed to continue to shake her body in steady tremors. The assistant's hands moved carefully to take off her glasses, and her vision became blurry, as gentle light and shapes blended and moved with the music in her head. “You need to sleep, Nila. Drink some water and take these.” Two pills were placed in her hand, and made their way to her mouth, as she sipped on the cold water. Her throat no longer burned, as she laid down on top of the sheets, allowing herself to slide forward into the plane of complete silence and darkness. 

 

_ ‘You really do frighten me.’ Melina whispered as she struggled to carry Nila through the darkened streets of Cambridge. The smell of alcohol lingered on their tongues, lips, and clothes. Melina had bits of glitter stuck in her hair, which flashed and reflected the dingy lights of the streets. “I always find you unresponsive in clubs. It's like you're in a coma, love… I just can't explain it. I think you’re from another planet, Nila. No matter how serious you can become in your studies, in court, or in general… I find you fascinated with colors and lights. Why?”  _

 

_ “I think I'm an alien, too,” Nila responded, as her eyes followed the lights of passing cars. “I think I pretend to understand the world we live in, but deep down, I find myself questioning it all. That's why the lights and sounds fascinate me. They move so freely… just the sound of waves flowing through the air, with the lights flashing and pulsing colors. People start to fade away. Everyone becomes one person… everyone becomes one with themselves. I don't understand it in my head. I feel it in my body, and so I move, and I stare and let myself get lost. I don't want to feel, I don't want to think. I want to float through time.”  _

 

_ “Yeah? I guess we all want that, somehow… I don't want to feel anything, either.” Melina said, walking Nila up the stairs to their room. Nila thought about how long it took to get back and figured she must have rambled for a long time. “But I'm glad that I feel love. It feels… soft. It reminds me of the color yellow. Or perhaps, the color blue.” She sat her down on their bed, helping her undress and clean up, before laying with her. “But I'm rambling now. You must sleep. Goodnight, darling.”  _

 

Nila woke up with a heavy throb in her right temple and outwardly groaned. The light of the room hurt her eyes, and she got up, closing the blinds. She grabbed her phone off of the charger and smiled slightly when she saw that she had three missed texts from Melina. However, as she began to read them, it grew into a frown. 

 

_ ‘Are you alright? You sent me a picture of a room full of people, it's very dark. Are you okay?’ _

 

_ ‘Nila, it's been four hours since you read my message, but you keep sending pictures. What happened to you? Are you drunk?’  _

 

The last message followed a text Nila had sent. Through all the jumbled words and letters, she roughly deciphered that she had said “I love you” to Melina, and right after, had said, “let's feel together”. Her eyes widened and her stomach dropped. 

 

_ ‘Please be careful. You're probably hammered, but I'm worried about you. Please be safe, I don't want to lose you again.’  _ Which was followed by:  _ ‘You frighten me.’  _

 

Nila quickly dialed her number, crossing her fingers that she would answer. The phone thankfully clicked on the other end.

 

“Nila? Are you okay? You seemed really messed up last night…” Melina sounded relieved. 

 

“I'm alright… besides a killer headache. I've never gotten as lost and disoriented as I did last night… I have a feeling I did more than just drink. I'm sorry I frightened you, Melina… But I wasn't lying.” 

 

“What do you mean, you weren't lying?” She asked softly.

 

“When I said I loved you. I wasn't lying.” Nila murmured, then took the phone from her ear, hanging up. For a moment, she contemplated returning to sleep but decided she would shower to remove the grime of the night before. After she had thoroughly scrubbed the glitter and mysterious substances from her hair and body, she returned to the room. She put her phone back on the charger and laid back down, ready to sleep again. Her mind swam through colors, lights, Melina, and sounds. Everywhere she turned in her labyrinth of color, sounds, and shapes, she found Melina floating there. Her heart thumped, and she stared at the ceiling, sighing to herself. She did not know how long she continued to lay there. The only thing that pulled her from her dream-like trance was the sound of someone entering her room. She saw Doli from the corner of her eye and sighed. “Whats up, Doli? You doing okay?” 

 

“Headache.” She whispered, sitting on the chair beside her bed. A tray was deposited on the nightstand, as the smell of a greasy omelette and hashbrowns hit her nose. “Take these.” She held out two large pills and a glass of water, which Nila took eagerly. Her head felt like it was ripping itself in half, and any relief would be heavenly. She downed the water, sitting up slowly against the headboard to rest. 

 

“You made me breakfast… thank you.” Nila smiled, taking the tray and starting to eat. Doli left the room for a moment, then returned with her own plate, crawling onto the bed and laying against her side. Nila was surprised, but allowed herself to relax. It was nice to have someone close to her again, and she felt honored that Doli trusted her enough to not only open up, but cuddle against her. “Can you tell me what happened last night?”

 

Doli could only blush and shake her head.  _ ‘So she doesn't remember, either. That leaves Marigold. I bet she knows.’  _ She thought, eating her hashbrowns. As if on cue, the blonde haired woman entered the room, sitting on the edge of the bed with Doli. She was freshly showered, wearing her bathrobe. 

 

“You feeling okay, Nila?” She asked, her tone soft and worried. 

 

“Yeah, just a massive hangover… can you tell me what happened? Doli and I don't seem to remember.” 

 

“Well… you both drank a lot. I was trying to keep track of both of you, and for a while, you were both just messing around and dancing. But after a while I had to take Doli to a bathroom because she started to throw up, and when we came back you had gotten lost in the crowd. The next time I saw you, you had taken some pills and were tripping on one of the couches. I was worried you had been poisoned, but you pulled through.” Marigold explained. “You started throwing up on the subway after the taxi, but you were only half-conscious then.” 

 

Nila groaned. “How embarrassing… I'm so sorry. I'm way too old to be throwing up from pills on a New York subway…” She sighed and rubbed her face. “I'm glad I had you both to take care of me, though. I don't remember any of that.” 

 

“Well, you had me. Doli was too sick to move, so I had to get the neighbors to help me move you both inside. You were kind of a mess… But it's alright. You kept crying though, Nila. You kept saying that you wanted to find Melina… whoever that is.” 

 

“She’s my ex girlfriend from college… I'm pretty sure i'm still in love with her. Actually, I am sure i'm still in love with her. That's one of the reasons I left Varda in the first place. But nevermind that… Are you okay, Marigold?” 

 

“Yeah, I'm alright.” She rubbed her arm. “Clubs aren't really my thing, I don't like how scary it is to see my friend and my girlfriend acting so strange. But it's alright, really. I know you needed to let go.” 

 

“You’re a good friend. I'll make this up to you, I promise. But thank you for taking care of me… It means a lot to have friends on my side.” Nila smiled, squeezing her hand gently. “I really hope no one important saw me, though.” 

 

“I don't think anyone from the company was there, but even if they were, it wouldn't matter. I wouldn't let Xanthe or Linnea say anything, I have so much dirt on them. I could just bring up the time I found them having sex in the boardroom. Or the time I carried Xanthe out of the same club and she threw up on my hair.” 

 

“Ew.” Nila stuck her tongue out.

 

“I caught Linnea using a vibrator in her office. I really don't think that they could say anything to us or you about misconduct.” Doli said. “But the only thing I worry about is you, Nila. If you’re so confused over Melina, why don't you talk to her and try to see where things can go? I bet she still loves you very much.”

 

“You think so?” Nila asked, sighing. “I bet she does too… But I want to take my time. I just got out of a relationship with Varda. I want to take time to work on myself, because I believe i've been neglecting what I truly want to do.” 

 

“I think that's a good idea.” Marigold smiled. 

 

“We’ll help you get back on your feet.” Doli stated, as more of a demand than an option. “We’re your friends, after all.” Nila was surprised to see Marigold nod along with this plan. 

 

“Thank you… You both mean a lot to me.” Nila said, smiling at them. “Its funny… I feel like last week, I barely had any friends, and had so much unresolved conflict with Melina and Varda. But now… I have two great friends, and Melina and I are on better terms. I'm happier now, even though things have been crazy.” 

 

Doli and Marigold both smiled at her, grabbing each of her hands and squeezing them tightly. They said nothing, but rather shared breakfast, recovering from hangovers in the quiet light of the afternoon sun that filtered through the curtains. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Dolli and Marigold so much! The pearls are such cutie pies.


	14. New Beginnings

Days flowed into nights, which flowed into weeks, which flowed into months. Nila had nearly lost track of how much time she spent living in the guest room of her coworkers’ home, though she still felt a twinge of guilt when they would buy her groceries or do her laundry. However, the two women seemed happy to have her in their home- after all, she was an extra set of hands that could clean the house while they were strapped with work and ballet practice. She paid them rent, which helped ease her nerves. The weeks spent in the cozy two-story house produced some of Nila’s best work. Her cases began to flow through without flaw, much to the pleasure of Linnea and Xanthe. She regularly spoke to Melina, and their friendship had since flourished into long, drawn-out conversations over the phone, nearly every night. When they were not speaking to each other, or when she was not working, Nila would use her free time to read, or draw, or sit and watch Doli practice her dance routines as Marigold made dinner. She was content, and her heart began to grow much lighter than it had before. Miraculously, she began to lose the huge bags under her eyes, and lessen the amount of caffeine she ingested throughout the day. Of course, this came with months of therapy, which Marigold had referred her to. Things were beginning to work out better than they ever had before. However, there was still one flaw in her otherwise wonderful life, and that flaw was Varda. Nila had watched her deteriorate, from a beautiful, outgoing woman, to a shell of her former self. She was anxious, distant, and quiet. She still performed beautifully in court, though. That could never be stripped from her. Even still, though, Varda had been surprisingly civil about the breakup. There were no phone calls or texts. The closest to contact they had was the occasional work-related email. However, Nila would have to be dealing with her soon, because she had to remove her things from the house. A job offer had come up, and she would soon be moving away, to Boston. Harvard had offered her a position as a full-time professor, after hearing of her recent success. Nila could not say no- it was perfect, a chance to start over in a city she loved. She had purchased a Victorian home, a fixer-upper in West Roxbury, a half an hour drive from the campus she would teach on. It took up a nice chunk of her savings, but she would be making quite a lot of money now that she was a professor, and she was receiving a pension from the Diamond Corporation she worked for.

 

“I'm sorry to see you leave, Nila.” Xanthe had said when she had turned in her letter of resignation. “But you’ll make a lovely professor, I'm sure.” 

 

“Yes… You will do great things.” Linnea had added, wistfully. “Do come and visit… I know that my assistant will miss you dearly.” 

 

“Thank you.” Nila smiled, though she knew that Linnea would miss her too. Nila had worked with her for a long while, and the whole office had become a family to her. “I appreciate all of the time I had here. But I think… this is for the better.”

 

“Of course.” Xanthe smiled, shaking her hand.

 

Doli and Marigold had thrown a small retirement party, which made Nila feel  _ incredibly  _ old, though it was a nice gesture. It was held in a restaurant she enjoyed, and everybody in the office came (excluding Varda, who had given her a card regardless). It was low-key, though Nila found herself wishing that Melina could have been there. She was moving even farther away from her, as the drive to DC would grow a few hours longer.  _ ‘Any visits will be quite rare, now. I wonder if we’ll even be able to see each other more than once a year. She's always so busy…’  _ She frowned softly, sipping her wine.  _ ‘Unless, of course, she goes there with me.’  _ The thought popped quickly into her head, and she immediately shoved it back down. Had she gone insane? She could never ask Melina to leave her life in DC behind to come live with her, even if she did believe she was mentally prepared for such things.  _ ‘We aren't even dating, for christ sakes. Unless… we start?’  _ It was not something that she had anticipated happening so quickly once more, but her heart was in the right place, and her head was clear. She knew exactly what she would be getting into if she asked for Melina to take her back, and if she said yes… things could be even better than they were now. It was a shot in the dark, though, Melina could say no. She did not want to ruin the friendship they had now, but then again, both women were single and quite fond of each other. They knew that they had chemistry and Nila was prepared to take her time- she would wait for her. In her mind, it was settled, and it made her laugh.

 

“Hey, what’s so funny?” Marigold asked, her nose upturned. 

 

“Nothing. Probably the wine talking.” Nila replied, causing Doli to giggle softly into her hand. She would miss those two greatly, but she promised to visit them during her breaks. Doli had cried when she found out Nila would be leaving, though she was happy for her all the same. Marigold had remarked that she would finally have hot water when she took her showers now since Nila always took so long, but she knew that she would miss her too. Goodbyes were never easy. 

 

New beginnings, though, were much more exciting. She was ready to start her new life, and she would do anything she could to make it the one she wanted.  _ ‘Ive wasted enough time already. Its time that I do this for real.’  _ She thought, as she said her goodbyes to her coworkers for the last time. The drive to the train station was long, and quiet. She kissed Doli and Marigold on the cheeks as she boarded the locomotive, sitting by the window silently. It left the station, as the two ballerinas waved goodbye from the platform, and her hand waving back. She grabbed her phone and called Melina, shaking quietly in her seat.

 

“Nila…? Its nearly midnight, what’s the matter?” Melina asked, her voice quiet with sleep.

 

“I want to ask you something. I know it's going to be shitty for me to do this over the phone, but I'm on my way to Boston because of my job and I need to know now, now more than ever before.”

 

“What are you talking-” Melina was cut off by Nila.

 

“Just listen, Melina. I need to ask you this.” She took a deep breath. “I love you, Melina. I've always loved you, and I won't ever stop loving you. I want to be with you again if you’ll take me back. I know that I’ve hurt you in the past. But you mean everything to me… you are everything to me. You’re the one, Melina.” 

 

The phone was silent at the end of the prosecutor, and for a solid minute, there was nothing at all. But then, she heard her crying, ever so quietly. “Nila… Nila, how can we? You’re going to be so far away.”

 

“Shh… You can live here, with me. I have a new house in West Roxbury. You can live with me.” 

 

“But Nila, I-I cant just… leave this all behind. I couldn't…” Melina stammered. 

 

“It's up to you. But I love you… and I would be happy to have you here.” Nila whispered. “Think it through. Let me know.” She hung up and sighed. It had been done. There was no turning back, now. All she could do was sleep it off, and so she leaned back and went to bed. 

 


	15. Love

_ It was dark, but the moon illuminated the campus in the pale light, penetrating the fluorescent street lamps better than any of the tiny stars ever could. The grass was wet with dew, in contrast with the hot summer air. As the crickets raised their voices in a monotone hymn to the glorious moon before them, another song was being whispered into the ear of a girl, ever so young, laying in the grass. Sweet nothings, kisses being peppered quietly amongst her jaw. Carefully, as though she was a fragile work of art, she was laid against the chest of her lover. The sweet whispers were lost in the air, no one could hear what they were saying if anyone had been there. However, the area was void of any other human. They shared their sweet nothings with the crickets, who called it to the birds in the sky, who sang it to the animals on earth, who retold it to the moon, who shined softly on them as a gift for their love, blanketing them in the comfort of light, even when the fear of darkness and uncertainty crept up upon them they continued to love without their mortal fear because they were not alone, they were never truly alone. As long as they had love, they were never truly alone.  _

 

Nila sat quietly on the bus, as the moon shone down on the bright lights of the city. Street lamps, flashing signs, and neon stood no match to the beauty and light of the moon. The bright white light illuminated her face, however, exhausted she was from the move, and the long ride down. Buildings and trees flew by, in their cosmic travel towards the future, remaining still until something decided to move them, or they fell down. The sound of the tires running steadily across the pavement lulled her into a trance-like state as she continued to stare, into the night, ready to begin her new life. It was quiet there, and peaceful, and her stomach had a warmth growing inside of it as though she was finally getting the life she wanted to have. The bus screeched to a halt, in the station, and she rose to her feet with her backpack draped over her shoulders. The station was quiet, as it was very late, and almost no one had been on her bus. Her eyes scanned the area, tired and dry. It had been a long trip, nearly 7 hours, and her legs felt wobbly. 

 

“Nila.” Melina took her hands gently, smiling at the woman she loved. “You made it… you look exhausted. Come now, it's only a short ride to my house.” 

 

“Oh.” Was quite honestly all she could manage to say, as her mind had not yet caught up with her body. Everything had moved so quickly, from moving to her new job to asking Melina to stay with her. She never thought she would say yes, all of it was a pipe dream that felt unreal. However, this was very, very real. She remembered placing her bags into the trunk of the taxicab and laying her head on Melina’s shoulder, but much else was forgotten. The sound of the city, familiar but distant, lulled her into a state outside of her own self-being. Melina was quiet for most of the ride, though her hands stayed busy, fretting over the state of Nila’s hair that stuck to her forehead. She had helped her inside the house, which was exactly as Nila remembered it from the last time she was there. It had been sold, furniture and all, to the new owners who would be moving in within the next month. This was Melina’s last night here. The boxes of clothes sat beside the door, stacked neatly into a small pile. That was all she was taking with her, besides a set of sheets, a quilt, and her collection of books that had been shipped to Nila’s home in small increments over the summer. 

“Nila? Are you ready to lay down?” Melina broke her quiet contemplation, taking her arm gently. “You’re awfully quiet… are you feeling alright?”

 

“I am,” Nila responded softly, following her up the stairs to the bedroom. “I think I’m still in shock. This doesn't feel real yet. That, and I was sitting on a bus for nearly 7 hours. That might have something to do with it.” She sat down, kicking off her shoes and removing her shirt, which caused Melina to blush. “Come on, now. You’ve seen me naked plenty of times before. What’s so different about my bra?” She teased, sticking out her chest to emphasize her embarrassment. 

 

“Nilaaaaa… cmon, I’m sleepy. No teasing me tonight.” Melina changed into her nightgown, lying down beside her. “I just want to cuddle, that's all.” 

 

Nila pretended to pout but finished undressing nonetheless. She laid alongside her girlfriend and held her hands, kissing them softly. “We’ll get to do this every day for the rest of our lives. Or until you get sick of me. Whichever comes first.” 

 

“At this rate, I might be sick of you by tomorrow.” Melina grinned, kissing her nose. “But I think you can redeem yourself.” 

 

“How so?” Nila hummed, slipping her hand over her hip. 

 

“Letting me sleep.” She gave her a peck on the lips and laid down, pulling the blankets up. “Goodnight, love.” 

 

“Aw, fine. I suppose if that's all you want.” She laid down and draped her arm around her, smiling as she felt their bodies press together. It felt right. All of it felt exactly right. They slept together without disturbance for the first time in a long time, and all of it was wonderful. Except for when their alarms started blaring at six in the morning, beckoning for them to wake up because they had a long day of driving and unpacking ahead of them. That part felt entirely wrong, especially to Nila, because she was cuddled up in Melina’s arms under warm and cozy blankets. 

 

“Cmon, sleepyhead, we have a house we need to get to. You gotta get up.” Melina cooed, kissing her forehead. “We can stop and get coffee if you want to. But we need to get on the road soon.” 

 

Nila whined in response but sat up despite her protests. At least she was not the one who was to be driving the long way up. In hindsight, she did not have to be here at all. Melina was perfectly capable to move on her own. However, she felt as though she needed to be there, to help her leave the place she had been for so long behind. Melina was more than happy to move in with Nila, but some weeks leading up to the event, she had been anxious to leave. She had since resigned from her law firm and was going to find a job once she was settled in their home together. Nila did not mind her not having a job. None of that mattered, after all. All that did matter was that she was finally coming home, to her, and to the place they met. “Alright, alright… let's go put those boxes in your car.” She stood up, stretching her arms and dressing. The packing only took a half an hour, and soon they were on the road, Nila drinking her coffee and Melina settling for tea. After they left the city, things became a blur. As Melina drove, Nila fell in and out of sleep. She remembered waking up to soft singing, turning in her seat to face her, and then sleeping again. She remembered the rain in Pennsylvania and the golden leaves in New York. She remembered the traffic in Connecticut (because there was always traffic in Connecticut) and reaching their destination, the lovely old Victorian that she had dreamt to have. Not the house specifically, no, her dreams were living anywhere with Melina. The fact that it was a stone throw away from her favorite city was just a bonus. She remembered unloading the boxes in the house and going back out to the car to retrieve the last item, which was a small box of photos Melina had brought with her. “Ready?” She rubbed her back, smiling gently over at her. 

 

“I'm ready.” She smiled back towards her but quickly gasped when Nila swept her up into her arms. “What’re you doing?” She squealed. 

 

“Carrying you over the threshold,” Nila replied, as she carried her into their new home. Melina covered her face with kisses, and laughed, and smiled brighter than any sun in any universe. 

 

“I love you.” Melina said, as she was finally put down, though she ended up right back in Nila’s arms for a loving embrace. “I love you more than I've loved anyone on this Earth, and you’re the most wonderful person I know, and I love you. I can't say it enough. This is a dream come true. You’re a dream come true.” 

 

Nila kissed her softly. “Melina.” She tasted her name in her mouth, over and over, before pulling her tighter into her arms and laying her head against the soft blonde hair of her lover. “Melina. I'm not good with words, not like you. But I can say something, I think it’ll let you know how I feel. Because I feel so good, Melina. I feel better than I ever have. Its because of you.” She took a deep breath, letting it out between her teeth. “Marry me, Melina. I'm ready now.” 

 

She snorted quietly, suppressing her laugh. “Are you?” 

 

Nila blushed and looked at her. “I- I am. I'm ready.” 

 

“Well, I am too.” She whispered, standing on her toes to kiss her softly. “Yes. I'll marry you.”

 

“Wow… thanks.” Nila stammered, then turned red. Had she really just said that? Of course, she had. But it only made Melina laugh, and plant more kisses on her face, and so she did not feel as bad. Why would it matter? She had Melina now, and they were happy. That was her reality now, and her eyes began to water as she came to realize this. Her life, now, was with the person she loved in the place she loved. It had taken a long, long time, but she had finally achieved it. Happiness, pure and sweet, simple but complicated, and hard to find. She had found it with the prosecutor, whom she had known all along would be the one she would love forever.

  
  


_ The sky was a million shades of glorious colors, ranging from passionate red to angelic teal, to deep purple creeping in on the edges of the horizon. Sunbeams were glowing, lighting up the world in what seemed to be a raging fire of warmth that spread over the buildings and the landscape and into the hearts of those who managed to find the time to stop and stare. The wind danced quietly through the trees, as it had done for millions of years, visiting the land to give a performance of sound and movement. The world was beautiful, for that moment, entirely at peace with itself. Two lovers sat on the stairs of Langdell, holding hands, shyly as though it was their first time. The sweet nothings had been lost to the wind, but their eyes held the gentle and tender love they had whispered about as they looked from the sunset to each other. Perhaps they looked like students to those passing. Perhaps they looked like two wanderers to the staff who did not know them personally. But none of that mattered to them, not now, not anymore. They were in love, and the world surrounded them with it, bathing them in light and creating a beautiful scene, just for them. One sweet moment was granted where their hearts were so light and happy that they thought this was perfect, and both women would remember it forever.  _

 

_ “Melina?” Nila asked, stroking her hand. “I love you.”  _

 

_ The prosecutor laughed softly, leaning her head carefully on the shoulder of the defense lawyer. Through everything, the hard times, the heartbreak, the distance, and the loneliness, her heart still fluttered when she heard her say her name.  _

 

_ “I love you too.” _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, everyone. The end of the fic. Im really proud of this. Im not sure if ill write more in the series- let me know if youd like to see that. Thank you all for reading!


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